Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I wish No More Tangles shampoo would work on Christmas lights.

If I was Steve Jobs I would engrave on my tombstone:

iDied.

Naked and Afraid. But it’s just me using the shower at my gym.

“Welcome to daycare. Here’s your eye infection.”

While at Starbucks today I overheard a 20-something telling friends how she “only eats farm-to-table,” and has “never felt better.”

Please let the record state she was drinking a Frappuccino as she shared her secret to good health.

Anyone know where Frappuccinos are farmed?

[Spelling bee]
Dad Judge: your word is “arson”
Contestant: can you use it in a sentence?
Dad Judge: You’re not arson, you’re adopted.

If my kids ask, the monster under the bed can only find you if you didn’t brush your teeth

Me: How long should I microwave this for?

Popcorn instructions: How should we know?

getting a key tattoo but getting it covered up with a doormat tattoo so no one ever finds it

Having a personal trainer at the gym is like having that bully in school. They still terrorize you, but now they make you do pistol squats before taking your lunch money.

JESUS: [picks up bread] this is my body

JESUS: [picks up wine] this is my blood

JESUS: [accidentally picks up his cat] this is my…cat

[getting cremated]

Ahh, I’ve finally reached my ideal weight.

*brakes hard*
*throws arm across passenger seat to protect pizza*

I was wondering why Hoobastank chose that band name so I investigated it some and the reason is you.

I asked my students today if they had heard Maggie Smith passed away, completely forgetting I had a student named Maggie Smith, who happened to be absent

I’ll bet Charles Manson would’ve made one hell of a used car salesman. If he could talk a bunch of kids into murder, how hard could it be for him to get you into a 97 Camry?

Snoop Dogg; Shake what’cha momma gave you.

Me; Ummm… ok.
<vigorously shakes a frozen lasagna>

“OnlyPams”: a place for hot pics of women who dump their fiancé’s for quirky co-workers.

Scooby Doo was awesome because he would just shout his own name when things got exciting.

I have to find a way to get in on one of those government programs where they spend $1.7 billion dollars and wind up planting like 7 trees

Im the guy that says “Is he bothering you?” when some douche is hitting on you, just so I can hang around and bother you after he goes away.

DAD: My daughter ran away [hands him old photo]

DETECTIVE: You have a recent photo?

DAD: [shows him 9,674 selfies with the dog filter]

Me: So my car made a noise and..

Mechanic: That’s gonna be expensive.. I can tell already.

Me: Did you like that story?

5: Yes, I love Goldilocks.

Me: Of course they had to change the ending for kids.

5: There’s another ending? Tell me.

Me: You don’t need to know.

5: Tell me, Tell me!

Me: They’re BEARS for God’s sake. How do you THINK it ended?!

turning a backwards chair forwards and sitting down normally to let my students know I have no interest in relating to them

Trump, 2 years into his presidency: “What do you mean we can’t just file for bankruptcy?”

I love telling someone to be careful. Because then if they die, that’s on them

I almost cut my finger off cutting some celery to eat and all I could think is this never happens with cupcakes.

I hate to brag but I’ve been the biggest mistake of numerous people’s lives.