I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
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If you are gonna do conspiracy theories go big or go home.
YOUR MARCH HOROSCOPES:
Aries: Stay inside.
Taurus: Stay inside.
Gemini: Stay inside.
Cancer: Stay inside.
Leo: Stay inside.
Virgo: Stay inside.
Libra: Stay inside.
Scorpio: Stay inside.
Sagittarius: Stay inside.
Capricorn: Stay inside.
Aquarius: Stay inside.
Pisces: Stay inside.
Don’t forget if you’re a member of the Tautology Society, we’ve got our annual AGM meeting tonight.
Listen, I hate you…
I’m just not… IN hate with you.
Sorry about my outburst. I was under the influence of common sense
me [after tossing your baby a piece of cheese] A dog would have caught it
I haven’t been invited to my family’s Thanksgiving dinner since 12 years ago when I put pepper on my mom’s mashed potatoes without trying them first.
I’m fresh out of hopes and dreams. Can I interest you in despair and disappointments?
Life is like a box of chocolates, you never know what universe you’re in until you see which Spider-Man shows up
I accidentally just sent a kissy face emoji to my female boss… and now we wait for the call from HR on Monday.
Shoutout to the woman who yelled in anger as Wonka began “this stupid thing is a musical?!”
[Editor’s note: the woman was my mother-in-law. I was sitting with her. This was a full theater.]
the year is 2042. a man is fired for doing “the robot” in a mixed crowd of humans and androids at the company xmas party.
Dear Santa,
My ex was very naughty this year. But I was very good. So you can just send me all his presents.
something like this could probably happen to anyone
me: in the song WE call “The Monster Mash” it references a party where The Monster Mash was played. Which means the REAL Monster Mash had to have existed before the song we’re hearing, but we have no idea what it is.
host of the halloween party: how did you set up a powerpoint?
No thanks, fantasy football. I already have a fantasy boyfriend, a fantasy sex life & a fantasy bank account.
I’m good.
The irony of the gay pride flag is that it clashes with everything.
The three things Im grateful for:
1. Family
2. Friends
3. Caller ID to avoid family and friends.
“I don’t care!”, he tweeted, again.
As suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.
The plot thickens.
My excitement about your Indian food is largely dependent on your pronunciation of “cumin”.
a cauliflower is a plant explosion in extremeley slow motion
[first date]
ME: I’m from a broken home.
HIM: When did your parents divorce?
ME: No, they were hoarders, and the second floor collapsed.
ER Nurse: Let me get this straight. You microwaved your food for too long and burned the inside of your mouth?
Me (mouthful of bandaids): Yesh.
*secretly fills your birthday piñata with hornets*
Serena Williams just thanked Me! You’re welcome, Serena! That’s what I do all day! Decide the winner of women’s tennis matches!!!
*1st day in hell*
Devil: So you just sit in this room and people give you gifts
Me: Oh nice
Devil: And you have to react to each one
Me: NO
Not sure if you’ll like golf? Walk on a treadmill for four hours under a sun lamp then throw away $75 when you’re done.
me: four out of five dentists recommend Colgate so I’ll have that
waiter: uhhh you want fries with that
marriage counsellor: so what’s the problem?
me: i don’t know
my ‘friend’: i’m tired of you trying to keep our marriage a secret