Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A swarm of locusts darkened the blue sky. This was my sign to finally send out my wedding thank you cards.

We need a Disney princess who is great at basketball and also a golden retriever

Parent’s curfew with each child:

1st child: “be home by 10!”
2nd child: “alright you can stay out until midnight”
3rd child: “as long as I see you within 3-5 business days I honestly don’t care what time you’re home”

I’m not mad ur mad

Publix cake decorators should get $50/hr

Unchained Melody, but I have no idea how she got loose.

DOG 911: What’s your emer-

DOG: THERE’S WRAPPING PAPER EVERYWHERE

DOG 911: for you to tear up and eat?

DOG: NO THEY’RE THROWING IT ALL AWAY

DOG 911: OMG

DOG: OMG

Welcome to my home. There are 43 night lights just in case you’d like to wander the house at 3am.

Judge: I find him… not guilty
*Tom Brady breathes a sigh of relief*
Cop: *cuffing him* So that’s where the air was, huh? We finally gotcha

[Terminator Academy]

Terminator: When you travel to the past you will arrive nude.

Insecurminator: oh no!

It doesn’t necessarily absolutely have to be Halloween to grab a bag and go to your neighbours to ask for candy, right? Back me up on this, gang

[training to be a meat cutter]

butcher: you’re gonna want to take notes

me: ok [pulls out marker and giant roll of paper]

Saw an ad for a supplement that said it adds years on to your life. This life? Are we talking about the same one?

Grant me the supernatural ability to change the things I cannot accept.

*buys a sectional couch made of cauliflower*

Considering teaching a whole seminar solely on this tweet

Me: “I’m going to the gym.”

The gym:

dates 1-4: let me tell u about my extremely normal hobbies and interests

date 5: i don’t think the moon is real

*trying a new meal*

Wife: how do you like it?

Son: *hesitating* my water’s pretty good

wife: Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
me [whispers] Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
toddler [whispers] Because I have small hands
me: Because he has small hands

They’ll find Bigfoot before they find a Smoothie store that’s been open for more than 2 years.

therapy dog: tell me your problems, sugar

If you look to me for any advice, what comes next, as well as any subsequent jail time, is on you.

disney ceo: live action little mermaid

animator: yep

ceo: it’s in the ocean

animator: got it

ceo: coral reefs

animator: understood

ceo: lots of fish

animator: [nose suddenly bleeding] i don’t- what is.… finsh?

My son’s friend at daycare just shared that he prefers food you eat with a fork because “it’s the only time you get to stab things.” Don’t expect a sleepover invitation any time soon, James.

Sometimes I’m scared I’ll miss my kids when they move out but then I find a bowl of cereal in the bathtub tub and I’m not so scared anymore.

Caught myself staring into the medicine cabinet like I do with the refrigerator.

*goes out*
*realises why I stay in.*

This chick last night told me to do her like her ex husband so I drained her bank accounts and banged her sister

Louis C.K. perfectly sums up Boston accents in his new special ‘Live At The Comedy Store’

flight attendant: sir u can’t bring that on the plane

me: this is my emotional support refrigerator