Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A hot guy at my job asked me if I had any plans and I told him 15 because I thought he said plants

my cat’s getting pretty choosy about wet food for someone who was 85% off at the shelter

I did the universal sign for “call me” and my tween gave me a confused look and asked “on a banana?”

My new stove has to be cleaned before the first use so I guess it’s the microwave from now on

My favorite part of Zumba is mortgaging my house to pay the chiropractor.

Them: How corny are your jokes?

Me: Pretty corny

Why does it have to rain men? Why can’t it rain something useful like Doritos?

[traffic stop]

Officer: Ma’am, do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: *backseat full of penguins* Um, I’m guessing the aquarium called?

I don’t think the comings and goings of Cotton eyed Joe warrant a whole song.

Samurai holding sword: now we fight to the death

Me nervously clicking pen on: they better be right about this

not gonna lie it was a little disturbing to learn that a large amount of the post-apocalyptic jargon in Mad Max / Furiosa is actually just regular Australian slang

[Watching Jeopardy on TV]
…
Me: Who is Lady Jane Grey?

Host on TV: You all got Final Jeopardy wrong. The answer is Lady Jane Grey

Me: I am the smartest person alive!

Husband: but you missed every other question in the episode.

Me:

the girlies are turning into genghis khan

Hey Amish person reading this: Busted.

Dear Religion,

Pics or it didn’t happen.

Love, Science

Wasted my annual good hair day at work again this year.

Me: But where do you see this relationship in five years?
Her: Sir! For the last time, do you want extra cheese or not?

[Paranormal Activity, 2007]
a one night stand, but make it spooky

Best headline I’ve seen in so very long…

The best place to get pumpkins cheap is driving around the neighborhood at 4AM. Got 5 nice ones this morning.

at soccer practice a mom next to me asked her kids if they wanted to do cartwheels with her and i’m like shut up no one likes you

Cop: Tell me again why there’s a guy in your trunk.

Me: I told him he would look good in it.

My mom, watching a scary movie: Be careful if you’re going in the backyard, I thought I saw someone walking around out there.

Me: What. Like a cat?

My mom: No, it was definitely bigger than that.

To everyone who received a file from me named myjunk.jpg: I thought I was sending you a photo of my garage sale. I am so, so sorry.

“I just died in your arms” sounds much more romantic than “You’re holding a dead body.”

Boss “Are you high?”

If I was high could I do this?

*opens a tube of Pringles and eats only 1 of them*

*catcher puts 1 finger down*
*pitcher shakes head*
*puts 2 fingers down*
*nods*
(catcher to umpire)
“can we take a break? he has to poop”

Local community Facebook pages are like:

“When is garden bin collection day?”
– “Ours is this Friday, but I don’t live in your area”
– – “This Friday is my daughter Leslie’s birthday”

😁

[1st time on phone with a girl]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach

It’s so cute that you’re nervous

[eating 2nd bowl of butterflies] huh?