i like to start most sentences with “as a writer…” because it’s important to me that everyone know i am, at my core, a liar
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*sewing*
A thread
Do you think when the Hamburglar robs people he holds them at bun point?
I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket, so it looks like someone is buying name brand aluminum foil this week.
Him: Wanna bump uglies, baby?
Me: Ooh, yes please!* Grabs two ugly people and starts smacking them against each other. *
People who say they are “comfortable in their own skin,” scare me because I wonder how they know what it’s like to wear someone else’s skin
Just a warning if you’re buying a watch on Amazon. I learned the hard way that if it says you can swim with it, this only applies if you can already swim without it.
When I die I want to come back as a ghost to haunt my adult children’s houses, just passive-aggressively turning off lights they’ve left on and pointedly moving their shoes to the shoe cabinet, just heavily sighing the whole time
[seafood restaurant]
CHEF: where are my shellfish?!
ME: *sneaking Prawn Solo and Luke Sidewalker out the door* quick, the rebel alliance needs you
Only marriage can turn an incorrectly folded towel into an act of war.
Who even thought of soup? Were they like, you know what this perfectly good meal needs? Water.
I just brushed my hair while wearing a fuzzy sweater and now I can make a streetlight come on by touching it.
I CALL BULLSHIT
Let’s hear some tropes in TV/movies that are complete bullshit. I’ll start:
Dude making dinner produces a gourmet-looking dish, has a neatly folded hand towel thrown over his shoulder, and is wearing an *immaculate* white dress shirt. BULLSHIT!
Saw a deer on my bike but didn’t have my phone to take a pic. Hopefully one day he will return my bike tho
Everybody knows cattorneys study four years at a meowniversity and three in claw school
yes yes space rockets but who is working on the technology where I can microwave my whole lean cuisine without having to take it out after a minute to stir the pasta section and then put it back in
[boy spreads his little arms]
Boy: i love you this much daddy!
Neil deGrasse Tyson: on a universal scale, that is an alarmingly small amount
My 3yo just reminded ME to wash my hands after we got home so if anything good were to come out of this pandemic it’s that we’re raising a less gross genera- ope never mind he just ate a booger
Watching TV
Detective: … and the horribly mangled remains were found on October 25th…
Me: Woo! They said my birthday!
Her: omg are you crying over puppy videos?
Him: dammit woman, I’m the Headless Horseman, not the Heartless Horseman
we went out on a boat to see whales and the crew encouraged us to clap and cheer for the whales and boo at the regular fish
[At a bar]
Guy: Did it hurt?
Me: What?
G: When you fell walking in. I saw you fall on your face. Everyone saw.
friend: what r u up to
me: eating 3 pounds of pasta
friend: what r u training for
me: eating 5
“Must you lick the knife?”
“Sorry,force of habit” I said “Loads of people do it though, don’t they?”
“Yes, but not during surgery, Doctor”
I haven’t showered I’m wearing my clothes from yesterday I will undoubtedly run into someone I know at the store as I run in for milk.
Your lips say no but your eyes, they say no too. And your body language, that definitely says no. What I’m saying is you’re very consistent.
You know you’re getting fat when you make a comment about needing to lose weight and the other person doesn’t say anything back.
My girlfriend is so crazy she even traced down the girl who once kissed me in kindergarten.
I once dated guy who talked so much about his ex-wife that I broke up with him and started dating her.
Watching my kids inspecting the French dips I made like I’m about to defend a dissertation
Them: and what is this?
Me: that is ..(checks notes).. Provolone cheese, ma’am
Them: hmmmmm….
