i like to start most sentences with “as a writer…” because it’s important to me that everyone know i am, at my core, a liar
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Black Friday is the Christian holiday where Jesus rose from the grave at 4am to get in line to purchase a discounted HDTV for his Father.
Amazon Review Guide
⭐☆☆☆☆ – I’m angry and taking my slight inconvenience out on you
⭐⭐☆☆☆ – Your product is crap
⭐⭐⭐☆☆ – Average
⭐⭐⭐⭐☆ – Great product!
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ – Average but I feel bad leaving a lower rating
If they don’t teach the periodic table during it then they shouldn’t call it elementary school.
When life hands you lemons, help me throw them at the kids on my lawn.
Absolutely fucking crushed it on teams today lads
First day of my levitation course today, and I went straight to the top of the class.
Those who do not learn from history are destined to repeat it.
But I guess the same can be said for math and geography courses.
Little known fact: a penguin’s head can rotate 390 degrees. Once.
How many times should you punch the job interviewer to show how tough you are because so far they’re not happy with just the one
*5.30 a.m.*
6: Mom, I’ve decided to make breakfast for everyone.
Me *groggily*: Oh, that’s sweet.
6: How many people live in our neighborhood?
Me: GO BACK TO BED!
Someone tweets “pizza,” I want pizza.
Someone tweets “donut,” I want a donut.
Someone tweets “kale,” I want pizza and a donut.
Wife: I thought you returned this movie three weeks ago?
Me: I wanted to watch it again.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I found it in the refrigerator.
I don’t know Pete Davidson, but I’ve heard of his dad Harley.
Apparently the maximum number of times you can keep getting back in line for Communion wafers is 4.
I gotta say, I’ve never been in an Uber with red and blue lights!
Also, I don’t remember calling for one…
No, I’m not proud to be eating Cheetos with chopsticks but I’m knitting so I do feel kinda smart.
Most people don’t even know that New York was attacked by the Stay Puffed Marshmallow Man in the 80’s. I saw a documentary about it.
[christmas dinner]
me:
extended family member:
me:
extended family member:
me:
Elevator sex is a logistical nightmare on many levels.
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
Kudos to the person who invented denim pants.
They were a jeanious.
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they start swimming (into my fists)
ALEX TREBEK: well that’s important work you’re doing; the orphanage probably loves you
CONTESTANT: thank you
ME, SWEATING:
TREBEK: Matt, from new york, it says here you once got your hand stuck in a sink, tell us about that
Somehow, going into The Dollar Store and asking for a price check just never gets old.
The Roman Empire: was not built in one day
The Ramen Empire: ready in 3 minutes
Them: you shouldn’t drink so much caffeine it’s bad for you
Me: I shouldn’t have to work this much to afford my rent either but here we are
Most Brands: Sandals and flip flops should cost a normal amount, between $10-$30
Gucci: What about $200?
Old Navy: Give us some loose change. What’s that, a button? Fine
i am fine with my casket + dead body being dug up by grave robbers as long as they do it in the style of an unboxing video