I like to start my mornings w/ a luxurious deep tissue massage*
*kids climbing all over me until they puncture my spleen & I finally get up
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Best thing about drinking in downtown LA is that if u need a bathroom, it’s all around you
First I was a pebble..
devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell: is the awkwardness the torture or…
devil: shut up it’s gonna—it’ll pick up
I’m growing a ponytail so no one will ever ask me to hold their baby.
You know who DOES see something wrong with a little bump n’ grind?
Trevor in human resources.
Dad’s jean shorts in the 80’s were one move away from being the Basic Instinct scene
Therapist: perhaps you hide behind books and movies instead of addressing your problems
Me, wearing robes, a pointy hat, holding a wand and petting an orange cat sleeping in my lap: crookshanks and i don’t appreciate the judgmental tone you’re using right now
Me: what is my final challenge
*dragon appears*
Me: oh no
Dragon: spell necessary
Me: OH NO
Dearest Twitter,
Man Flu hath landed upon mine shores.Scientifically proven to be a reality, tis lethal a condition that can befall any man. The lady companion of two decades denies its very existence and scorns my plight. Woe unto me and all men who find themselves afflicted.
The longer this goes on, the harder it’s going to be to return to a society where pants are required.
There are 400 billion stars in our galaxy and perhaps two trillion galaxies in total, and I just wonder if Miss Universe fully understands her achievement.
Like that whole spinach in the teeth thing, I never know if it’s polite to tell a lizard person when they have a little tear in their human suit.
ME: *drinking Canada Dry*
CANADIANS: Hello 911? There’s a guy here somehow drinking our water reservoirs.
It’s not a gang sign, I just have rheumatoid arthritis
Why is my long hair now up in a messy bun today? Well I leaned down to pick up something from the floor & my cat leapt out of nowhere, claws out, grabbed my hair like a vine rope over a lake & swung from it for fun.
no one is as indignant as a person who was correctly accused of sleeping
I will never get tired of listening to Whitney Houston clearing Wendy Williams on air 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
Just thinking up snappy comebacks to painful conversations I had 22 years ago. What are YOU doing?
I hate restaurants where they won’t let you bring your own mariachi band.
Cop: Where were you at the time of the murder?
Me: I’d trapped myself in a Tupperware container
Cop: Damn, that’s an air tight alibi
Confuse people by affixing “but not necessarily at this juncture” to the end of each sentence.
Carrying a tube of pringles like a waiter presenting a fine bottle of wine
ME: *falls into gorilla enclosure*
GORILLA: [in sign language] I have a boyfriend.
Who has 3 thumbs and needs an alibi?
I’m pretty sure the coupon I gave you for a $7 haircut suggests that I’m not interested in that $44 bottle of shampoo, but thank you.
Therapist: What brings you to couples counseling?
Husband: [rolls eyes] My wife says I “exclude her.”
Therapist: Where is your wife by the way?
Sometimes if you say “Wow, you’re tall!” to a tall person they realize they’re tall for the first time and thank you with cash
Feels wrong for women to be playing soccer while I’m just sitting here watching. I should be helping them
I don’t think I cadaver study a dead body