I like to start my mornings w/ a luxurious deep tissue massage*
*kids climbing all over me until they puncture my spleen & I finally get up
You Might Also Like
If you don’t have anything nice to say, you’ve come to the right place.
Me: [frog emoji]
Him: [turtle]
Me: [monkey]
Him: [pig]
Me: ARE YOU CALLING ME FAT?
Him: What? No! Here [dog]
Me: GREAT SO NOW I’M A BITCH?
Me to anyone else: “it’s in that cabinet”
Me to my husband:
“it’s in the upper cabinet next to the fridge on the left at eye level. It’s bright green. It’s right there. IT’S RIGHT THERE”
Wtf, tried giving my political opinions at the checkout line today and nobody clapped.
It’s like grandma always said…
Make sure you put everything in the medicine cabinet back where you found it or you won’t be invited back.
* overheard at the bar *
Becky: so what do you do?
Him: I’m a beekeeper
Ecky: you astard!!!!
I asked my waitress if she thought me eating alone was embarrassing and she said, “I work at Cheesecake Factory”
[sitting on the deck with my son]
Me: look son, everything the light touches-
Son: yes dad?
Me: -you have to mow.
Airport cop: The dog is indicating that you might have something. Do you have any illicit substances on your person?
Me, waving over another cop: Excuse me Sir, this guy thinks his dog talks and he’s asking me for drugs
person i just met reaches out for hand shake
me, realizing my hand is embarrassingly cold: thanks but i know enough people
Parents: “If only there were a manual for this.”
Also parents: “How dare you tell me how to raise my kids, you piece of shit.”
[thanksgiving dinner]
Me: *to my racist uncle* hahah now who’s being too sensitive
My aunt: *scrambling for an epipen* did you give him shrimp?!
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship No, I don’t think we are on the same page.
What if all DJs decided at once to stop using the infamous air horn sound effect and started using the sound of an old man climbing stairs?
It’s been my experience that people seem a lot nicer before we get married
How to cast a summoning spell to bring your children to you, wherever you are: Watch the first 44 minutes of a 51-minute-long murder mystery.
I spend a lot of time trying to prevent the people who know something weird about me from ever meeting and exchanging information.
“Are you just going to sit there all day?”
“No! Now and then I’ll be walking to the fridge and back”
Speechwriter: I have your speech ready, sir. “87 years ago—“
Lincoln: Whoa whoa whoa hang on…
my dad didn’t let me date untill i was pregnant…
Watching a BBC series on surgery, and all the orthopaedic surgeons are like “actually it’s a very sophisticated specialism, of profound delicacy and complexity”
and then there’s this guy:
I post ONE gym selfie and everyone’s like “What’s he doing?” and “Where are the weights?” and “Is that a dozen donuts?”
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
god: rabbits
angel: cute. wait, wh-what are they doing
god: ya they do that
angel: they’re multiplying
god: they’ll slow down
angel: they aren’t slowing down
god: holy shit
angel: they won’t stOP FU
[ next day ]
god: porcupines
[at the cheesecake factory]
me: I will have the cheesecake
waiter: okay
me: i feel like im being singled out because im the oldest person in this karate class and im winning all my matches
them: this is a daycare and you are under arrest
If God hates gays so much, why didn’t he put it in the ten commandments? Instead he’s more pissed that you’re jealous of your friend’s PS4
That’s right, I always have subtitles on. Do you know how hard it is to hear anything over the sound of munching snacks?
I hope when the Avengers meet Spider-Man they give him shit for not helping when NYC got attacked.
me: anything interesting happen today?
my 8yo: I finally got a booger out of my nose that’s been there since I was 5.