I like to start my mornings w/ a luxurious deep tissue massage*
*kids climbing all over me until they puncture my spleen & I finally get up
You Might Also Like
I like my coffee like I like my slaves.
Free, you racist.
If there is a zombie apocalypse I hope that they are thriller zombies because they’re fabulous dancers
“the moon is made of cheese”
You’re an idiot
“And yet you seem to be unable to refute my claim! Is it perhaps that you have no logical rebuttal? Tis always the side with the weaker argument that must resort to name calling. 😏”
I’m sick and tired of being the only person who cooks, cleans, and pays all the damn bills in this house.
I live alone, but still.
the family mocked me when I said I was building a rocket to fire the hamster into space, but I notice they all subscribed to the YouTube channel to watch the official launch
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
My kid : mum lets buy something we can play together – skipping rope?
Me *buys snakes and ladders board game*
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
Him: What’s wrong with the dog?
Me: Vet thinks he ate bird poo.
Him: What kind of bird poo?
Me: Idk…a duck, a cardinal, a pterodactyl…does it matter?
Him: You and I both know that if our dog ate pterodactyl poo it ABSOLUTELY DOES matter…
Me:
Him: (whispers) It does matter.
I am just a boy, standing in front of a milkshake, wondering by what sorcery it beckoned me to this yard
Clownfish: Why the long face, Bob?
Seahorse: If you make a Sarah Jessica Parker joke, I swear to Triton…
“Ma’am, are you aware that you were going 92 in a 55? I’m gonna need you to step out of the car.”
“Um, I have a boyfriend.”
My favorite game to play after shaving my head is “How much lint did I collect by the next morning?”
Open-heart surgery is much simpler than most people realize. The key is not to get hung up on whether or not the patient survives.
I think Twitter is affecting my eyesight. I’m having difficulty seeing the laundry pile up
When you find the right person, hang on to them with all your might, cuz getting any help at Home Depot can take forever.
Old people always be like “wow you’ve put on some weight since I last saw you” in front of everybody.
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
My dogs would be happier if I spent more time walking them and less time folding their ears inside out.
“Struggling with insomnia” sounds like you’re just trying to help insomnia put on its coat and it won’t stop waving its arms around.
* breathing heavy and trying to keep up with the girl on the treadmill next to me
“So…what are you doing…after they…revive me?”
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count downloading gardening shows illegally.
I talk in my sleep according to my phone bill.
[texting gf]
February 13th
“I think we should spend some time apart”February 15th
“Ok that was enough time”
A cell phone with a low battery is nothing more than a damn-cell in distress
[accidentally glues myself to the side of the house again]
I’m protesting the climate.
Welcome to college! Here’s a list of our majors. Here’s a list of majors that lead to unemployment. As you can see, both lists are the same.
I have just planted some herbs so I am very excited to harvest one (1) tiny basil leaf in 8 weeks
[restaurant]
RACCOON (in trench coat): one egg
WAITER: one egg? *suspicious* you’re not from around here, are you?
RACCOON: t-two eggs?
WAITER: ah yes, that’s a normal quantity of eggs
RACCOON: *excitedly* five eggs!
WAITER: *eyes narrow*
Boss: I’m sorry Howard but we are going to have to let you go.
Howard: What? Why? Oh, is this because I was late? I called you and told that I got a flat tire on the way to work, I even texted you a picture.
Boss: No Howard, it’s because you stabbed Kevin in the parking lot.