I like to start out my Wednesdays by dropping an entire cup of coffee down the stairs and crying about it for 6 minutes.
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My favorite part about playing video games with my kids is
WAIT WHICH GUY AM I
HOW DO I JUMP
WHAT’S HAPPENING
*checks Timeline*…
There is a famous person next to me at this coffee shop. You can tell he’s waiting for me to say something. Not gonna happen. Not gonna give him the time of day. Just going to sit here and continue making machine gun noises with my mouth
Worst bar ever.
I think my wife is having an affair, for two years she claims to have been going to classes, yet still can’t speak a word of Zumba.
*spins in circles*
*dies*
*gets stuck in corner*
*dies*
*spins in circle*
*dies*
[Me playing Call of Duty with my son]
My girlfriend broke up with me. I am devastated. How could you. I did everything. I surprised you with burgers every night
Tip of the day: Don’t try to scratch an itchy ankle while on a treadmill.
My favorite part of Beethoven’s 5th symphony is the rap battle 18 minutes in.
Shout out to the racoon or drunk person messing with my trashcans right now. Thank you for laughs, making me feel more sober than I am, and making me double check my doors are locked.
A very large bee just flew by and dropped a big spider on me. What kind of sick collaboration is this?
People who write “loosing” when they mean “losing” need to get loost.
I want a polka band at my funeral. I’m the one who’s dead, let ’em suffer.
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
Just remembered this meme I made back in May of 2020.
I just saw Madonna climb out of a hollowed out tree trunk in the woods near my house.
I can’t get enough of these Labor Day Sales, you guys! I bought 25 mattresses!
My dog: I need to go out
Me: it’s raining
Dog: out NOW
M: Okay but it’s raining
Dog: *walks outside* oh shit, it’s raining
me: *falling asleep*
youtube: check out these top 13 most gruesome spatula related murders
me: you have my attention
* Psychic Job Fair *
Interviewer: What is your greatest strength?
Me:
Interviewer: You’re hired
😏😏😏
Dad: Want a donut?
Me: YES!
Dad: *punches my leg* Hurts don’t it lol.
Me: *tasers him* HERTZ DON’T IT LOL.
I told my kids they could have everything they want from the Amazon toy catalogue all they have to do is cut out the pictures and play with them which worked out great because now they’re not talking to me so problem solved
Yoga Teacher: Set an intention in your heart
Me: I want to be sexy
Yoga Teacher: A kindness for the world
Me: Ok, I want everyone to be sexy
“If you’re pregnant you can’t get pregnant, the same goes for getting arrested, can you lick this?”
I ask, trying to roll a joint in cuffs.
*eats an unpatriotic amount of pasta*
Dance like no one is watching. Email it like it might be read aloud one day in front of a Jury.
When the company finally leaves and you can let one rip..
that.
TEACHER: Have you got anything for today’s palindrome class?
STUDENT: dammit I’m mad
TEACHER: OK, OK, I’ll ask someone else
interviewer: why are there so many huge gaps on your resume
me: honestly i’m still sorta figuring out microsoft word