Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Waiter: How would you like your Martini, Sir?

007: Shaken…

Andre 3000: Like a Polaroid picture

Her: You must think our relationship is some sort of game.
Me: Nope. Games are fun.

i wanna do one of those guy takes a picture of himself everyday for a year but i’m afraid people will be like wow he really wears that sweater a lot

[creation]
GOD: You all have a divine purpose
HORSE: I will plow man’s field
COW: I will give man milk
GUINEA PIG: I will test man’s shampoo

If I learned anything from Aladdin it was that if u just keep lying to a girl eventually u will get to marry her and live at her dad’s house

ME: my clothes are getting smaller

WIFE: you’re probably just putting on a little weight

ME: *pulling lint from dryer* then explain this

Using Latin phrases to sound smart is my modus operandi.

And for my next trick I’ll be pulling the rug from under your feet

~Life

They don’t put calorie counts or serving suggestions on boxed wine. They know you’ve got enough problems already.

Chaos Theory or how my wife describes my dishwasher loading technique…

Replying “cinnamon bun?” when your friend says she has a bun in the oven is wrong. I know this now, but in my defense I was craving Cinnabon.

when I’m sound asleep Sunday morning and someone rings the doorbell

her: psssssssst
me: ?
her: psssssssssssssssssssssst
me: ???
her: psssssssssssssssssssssssssssst

GOD DAMN IT, MY BLOW UP DOLL HAS A PUNCTURE

Okay this nightmare isn’t going to realize itself

Told my kid it was time for a screen break and you’d think I asked for both of his kidneys

My mom just told me my Gram’s church is doing drive up confessions. The priest stands 6 ft away and you shout your sins out the window. You have the option to make the priest wear a blindfold.
Mom: Gram wasn’t happy when I started laughing. Dad keeps shouting sins across the room

Had my novel “Noah: The Early Years” rejected. They said the story lacks an ark.

Passed a homeless guy begging on the sidewalk. Had a twenty in my pocket and asked myself “Do I want this twenty to be used for drugs or alcohol?” I thought “Absolutely not.” So I gave it to the homeless guy.

When a southern mom tells you that you look like a little doll baby you might hope she means Barbie but she definitely means Cabbage Patch

Wanna wake your teens up early?

Cook bacon

“I’m so tired of being poor and unemployed,” says the TV show character who wears a new designer outfit in every scene

me: sacked? why?

boss: you’ve been working at GitHub for 4 years now and you still laugh at the name

me: you *know* that’s under control [holds clipboard in front of face for 8 minutes]

How many lost cats walk by the telephone pole with their missing flier on it? Just another reason to teach your cat to read.

I Googled “Books for women in their 30s.” One of the results said “Books for women late in life.” I’m in my 30s, not moving to a retirement home.

One minute you’re young and carefree and the next you’re stuck on a park fence you thought you could still jump over 😬🤭

God: you’re a parrot.

Parrot: ok.

God: you can repeat everything you hear.

Parrot: humans are the worst.

God: uh what?

Parrot: i’ll prolly kill them in a flood soon.

God:

Parrot:

God: what’s it gonna take to keep this quiet?

Parrot: I wanna live in a tropical paradise.

[first day on a new job]

Me: I’ll admit. I’m a workaholic. I tend to bring my work home with me.

Zoo keeper: Put down the penguin.

“WHAT ARE WE TO TELL THE CHILDREN ABOUT GAYS MARRYING?”

Dunno. I’ll ask my 5-year-old, who just married her stuffed bear to a stuffed pony.

It has been proven that Australians watch TV more than any other appliance.

7yo: You know if you didn’t have kids you could turn my room into a tea room.

So now we know her plans after I die.