I like to start out my Wednesdays by dropping an entire cup of coffee down the stairs and crying about it for 6 minutes.
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Date: wanna get out of here?
Me: let me just tie my shoe *realizes i don’t know how to tie my shoes* how bout another round of spaghetti
You think you’re having a hard day? I’ve had to listen to someone chew AND lick their fingers clean
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%
Marriage vows are all about “In sickness and in health” but I didn’t know it was ok for my wife to out-jog me by 2 city blocks on our run while she left me behind to catch my breath and eat ice cream alone.
God: take it
Satan: no you take it
God: no you take it
Satan: i dont want it
God: well its no good to me
Me: *kicks a pebble* i have a name
You know that scene from The Office where Kelly updates Jim on all the celebrity babies and he says “that’s great. What’s new with you?” And she says “I just told you.”
Well, that’s my situation every evening in my marriage but it’s Kate Middleton.
Husband’s at Costco and sending me pics of beef stroganoff in a pouch. That’s enough excitement for one night.
Imagine the scariest ride you’ve ever been on ….
Got it?
Then there’s dating me.
Laziness is the art to rest before one gets tired.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes
#Wednesday
Hey I worked for it too!
Just said “No you can’t have an apple because you’ll spoil the pizza that’s being delivered very soon.”
I shouldn’t be allowed to parent.
Co-worker: *tells story*
Me: I’m so sorry to hear that.
CW: What? It’s not a bad story.
Me: No, I’m just really sorry I had to hear it.
“What’s this switch for?” he asked.
“No idea,” she said. She flipped it on. Off. “Nothing?”
Somewhere, a writer had an idea. Then lost it.
I had rando stomach pain and went “ooh,” and patted my tummy, but I guess this looked sus
My wife gave me a funny look, so I panicked and said “the baby kicked”
Monday is a draft that was sent by mistake when God’s cat jumped on the keyboard.
I don’t get why someone would want the house in a divorce.
“your honor, I’d like to keep the building where my soul was sucked dry.”
My husband pays me the highest compliments. Like “WOW! Look at you. You’re dressed.”
I will probably never be the tallest person in the room, but I will certainly be the highest
They irony of being hit by a Dodge.
Last night I did Crossfit for the first time and now I understand why those people always look so angry.
Blacksmith *shoes a horse*
Swordsmith *forges a blade*
Aerosmith *gives a groupie gonorrhea*
Somehow, I must have switched shopping carts while I was at the store. I don’t remember buying any of this stuff.
Or having an Asian baby.
DOCTOR: Your blood sugar is too high.
ME: That’s ridiculous!
*a hummingbird shivs me and starts sucking my nectar*
Spray deodorants love to be like LEAVES NO TRACE!!! INVISIBLE!!!! NO MARKS and then the small print is like “only if the rest of your body also happens to be made of white powder
Someone asked me today what was the toughest thing about being a parent. I would have to say it’s the kids.
Just so we’re all clear, the plural of Roomba is Roombae
Receptionist quietly into phone: Security? Yeah. He’s back
GOOD COP: Here I brought you some tooth paste
BAD COP: Now drink this orange juice
Dinner then: lean protein, fresh vegetables, good carbs
Dinner now: on the rocks
[couples board game night]
“relax brent, it’s only monop-”
*fake smile* why don’t you tell everyone how you brush your teeth with hot water”