I like to stop drinking somewhere between “watch this” and “ohhhhhh shit”.
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Being an adult is 99% wondering how you hurt your back.
When someone has a question at the end of the Friday afternoon meeting
Me: tis better to have loved and lost than to embarrass yourself in front of mall security
Her: WHERE THE HELL IS OUR SON
SECURITY GUARD: [speaking into the cuff of his shirt] The president is on his way to the car
LITTLE MOUSE THAT LIVES IN HIS SLEEVE: Ok cool
If you’re bored and looking for something to do this weekend, a reminder that you should not start running for president
A shoutout to the jackass that stole my ATM card. I hope you enjoy your $3.62.
Villain: We meet again, Mr. Bond
Bond: You don’t remember my 1st name do you
Villain: Sure I do. It’s uh..
Bond: C’mon this is our 3rd fight
I would like a mode of transportation that only allows me to travel a foot at a time with maximum effort requiring stellar balance.
*pogo stick inventor* I got you.
My waiter just told me he fancies himself as “an edgy comedian”
Pray for me
yeah jesus turned water to wine, but yankee doodle turning a feather in a hat to macaroni is next level
Smooth Criminal: I use a razor
Smoother Criminal: I get laser treatments
Smoothest Criminal: *it’s just an Asian guy laughing at them both*
Did the math. Facebook is worth $100 billion and with 800 million users that puts the value of a life at $12.50. Never pay a hitman more.
The great thing about roadkill is you can teach your kid about wildlife and road safety simultaneously
Me: Eat your vegetables. They make you smarter.
3-year-old: *hands me a carrot* You need this more than I do.
I’m only dating bad texters from here on out.
Who knew life could be so quiet and….peaceful.
When someone tells me that the best part of their job is getting to talk to people all day, I’m too frightened to ask what the worst part is.
13 Types of Regret You’ll Experience After Clicking on a Link to an Article That Won’t Live Up to its Exaggerated Headline
“to my son, i leave my bathroom scale” the lawyer sighs “because where theres a will, theres a weigh. to my wife, i leave my last high five”
My son just got his brown belt in Tae Kwon Do. If you threaten him, he bows respectfully before he runs.
I’d have saved a fortune in Botox if my mama had been right and my face had frozen like that
#IWishIHadNever noticed
my kids: how many reese’s pb cups did you eat?
me: *picturing the 7 reese’s cups joining together as a mega-cup in my stomach* ….one
Anyone know how to create an Outlook rule that sends every email to junk, deletes it, blocks the sender, and sets my laptop on fire?
*logs onto online banking*
Oh good, my emergency dollar is still there
One time in chemistry I hid my lab partner’s beaker and he turned into a mad scientist.
Sure visiting family can be hard but it’s also the most efficient way to explain to your partner why you are the way you are
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth. Then it becomes a soap opera.
Ok hear me out ….A smoke detector that turns off when you scream “I’m only cooking “
If you think the world revolves around you, you’re either a narcissist or a terrible astronomer.