I like to swear a lot so that people will keep their kids away from me.
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I would be morbidly obese if food for thought was an actual thing.
Baby Bella mushroom: Where did I come from?
Full of shiitake biology teacher:
Well when umami and udadi who love each other very much…
“don’t worry about a thing”
“why”
“’cause every little thing gonna be all right”
“what about all the big things”
“ooh forgot about big things”
Him: You need to work on your communication skills
Me: [through megaphone right up in his face] PLEASE BE MORE SPECIFIC
Me: What are my choices again?
Pollster: Donald Trump…
Me: Or?
Pollster: Puppymonkeybaby.
Me: …
Pollster: Well?
Me: I’m thinking.
I just want to tell everyone how I feel about you!
Ma’am I just need you to sign for these packages.
Waiter, Waiter, will my pizza be long?
No sir, it will be round.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
9 out of 10 zoo dentists refuse to work on a Grizzly unless it has been given a strong anesthetic….
Ther’s safety in numb bears
professor x: what’s your power?
jk rowling: i can rewrite the past of fictional characters
gay professor x : interesting
i wish it was legal to speak up during a haircut if theyre doing something you dont want. sadly you just have to sit there
I thought that was the most idiotic thing I’d ever heard, until you explained it… now it’s the second most idiotic thing.
ME: *making tiny wigs for birds*
BALD EAGLE: finally
*sets up tent*
*unrolls sleeping bag*
*tosses down like fourteen decorative pillows*Waitress: Umm…
Me: I’ll have the endless chips and salsa.
Waitress: But you can’t–
Me: –I LIVE HERE NOW
I don’t like when they use “late” to describe a deceased person. It’s like give a guy a break on his attendance, he’s dead.
[Paranormal Investigator shows up at Disney World]
Ok, show me this so-called “haunted mansion”
*coworker walks into bathroom, triggering the motion sensor that turns the lights on*
ME: [from one of the stalls] Welcome.
Still laughing about that one year my wife sold her legs to buy me gloves for Christmas, and I sold my hands to buy her pants.
people say they’re “over the moon” when they’re happy, but it’s a lie; the moon is one of those things you will never truly get over
We should be able to take our arms off when we go to sleep, we have the technology
Whenever I select next-day delivery for an online purchase, I imagine someone, somewhere, yells CRAP really loud then people scurry like mad
Years ago, someone discovered that white wine removes red wine stains, and all I can say is that must have been a hell of a party.
I know it’s been discussed before but the shift of the McAllister family from a Pepsi to Coca-Cola household in Home Alone 1 to 2 is truly jarring. A family with no brand loyalty is not to be trusted.
A man said to a woman on tv that she’s ”candy for the eyes” and immediately my stupid mind made a stupid joke that all the candy I ever consumed was instead ”candy for the thighs”, and then I thought tweet it, girl, tweet it real good! You’re welcome.
7-year-old: *dumps her toy dinosaurs all over the floor*
Me: You can’t just leave your dinosaurs everywhere.
7-year-old: It was their planet first.
Inventor of Shredded Wheat: What if you could eat wicker furniture.
Me: So, let me get this straight. It’s cute for the toddler to wear her flannel jammies to the grocery store but it’s embarrassing if I do it?
Husband: I have nothing to say. I knew what I was getting into when I married you.
Instead of mistletoe, I should hang up green citrus fruits.
..so when I stand under them, I’ll feel sublime.
Oscillating fans are for when you want to be cool every 4-8 seconds.
Yo. Real shit. Just bcause you went and got your logo printed on some t-shirts, that does NOT mean you have a clothing company. U got shirts
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane!” – my 3 year old niece, excited as hell over some basic shit.