I like to swear a lot so that people will keep their kids away from me.
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I told the kids they’ve stressed me out so much I burst a vessel in my eye, so they brought me a plate of cheese.
I was hoping for a clean kitchen but I am disarmingly soothed.
ME: please show me the posts in the order that they were made
COMPUTER: thats too hard. heres some tweets i think are good. Do you like this
the sequel to “Up” should be called “Up 2: No Good” who do I tell this to
i’m the girl your mom warned you about… long nails, big eyes, purple tongue, green skin. i’m reptar. i’m reptar from rugrats.
The Constitution has barely been altered in 200 years, but my $300 textbook is worth $0.82 bc they came out with a new edition mid-semester.
I was highly offended until I realised HR were calling me incompetent and not incontinent.
The pizza delivery guys say “see you tomorrow” to everyone, right?
I saw the Cheesecake Factory trending and thought it died.
My dad : My mom :
Disciplined Graceful🤝
Me : Disgrace😭
A one night stand where you make it clear you don’t want to see each other again should be called a Humpty Dumpty.
The therapist said to try deep breathing under water?
opening and closing my bank account like I do the fridge hoping things will improve
What do you say to your sister when she’s crying?
Are you having a crisis?
Programming Skills: PRIMARILY RUBY AND PYTHON BUT I CAN USE ANY TYPE OF GEM TO CONTROL ANY TYPE OF SNAKE
my kid correcting me about a dinosaur fact
You gotta love a man with a dog’s name and a dog with a man’s name.
“Hi, I’m Cody and this is my dog Steve.”
My dog gives me attitude when getting his paws wiped off after being outside. It must be just awful to get rewarded with foot massages just for using the bathroom.
Saying “have a nice day” to someone sounds friendly, but saying “enjoy your next 24 hours” sounds threatening.
INTERVIEWER: What are your strengths?
APPLICANT: I’m a detail-oriented team player
[nothing wacky happens because this is a job interview]
[Facepainting Booth]
Mum: Er…she wanted a butterfly…
Me: I only do toads
Mum: Well you should say that bef-
Me: *taps “TOADS ONLY” sign*
I had to make an important phone call and now I know my 9-year-old can yodel.
I’m not sure if I like my wife’s new boyfriend.
My daughter is mad at me because I didn’t offer her a banana first thing this morning.
She hates bananas.
If you are thinking about becoming a parent, you should know that my son has decided he likes dipping his fries in ketchup and then MILK
Friend: *finger guns*
Me: *looks down at finger knives* oh no
When I was 4 my dad got pulled over and I screamed “I have to poop!!!” and the cop let my dad go. When he took me to the bathroom my dad couldn’t stop laughing after I told him I didn’t have to poop, just didn’t want him to get a ticket. Sure hope my kids return the favor
If you think my tweets are horrid, wait until you see the live stream of my colonoscopy
Me food shopping alone: $250.00
Food shopping w/the husband: $99.75
Food shopping with the kids: $699.00
when ppl on here get in trouble they tweet ‘cute animal’ pictures
If you’ve ever wanted to take a tiny bag of poop on a tour of your neighbourhood, owning a dog might be right for you