I like to swear a lot so that people will keep their kids away from me.
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dont think ive ever laughed as hard over a halloween costume
Welcome to your 40s, your bra wins the Oscar for the best actor in a supportive role.
Ghosting my landlord by hiding in the walls and haunting the property when he tries to have someone else move in
I bet Melania Trump really regrets buying a speech off Craigslist now.
Wanting to be funny is a disease. Why am I spending 30 minutes trying to think of a clever wifi name for my neighbors to see?
My circadian rhythm is a cat lost in a corn maze.
So proud of myself…6 whole months without smoking! Today I was able to ride the elevator all the way to the top without getting winded.
Company loyalty can often be explained by Stockholm syndrome.
I get so annoyed when horror movies begin with the family moving to a new house, and the parents say “This place will be good for us. We will finally be happy here.”
But you already know they’re not going to be happy, because the movie is called “The Ghost That Ate Grandma”.
[ER]
*covered in blood holding eyeball
Name?
Stacy
What’s wrong?
*nods to eyeball
Looking at the chart, rate your pain
I’m the winky face
Looking forward to Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck getting back together again in 2044.
I can’t decide if you put canned tuna in balloons are they ballunas or tunalloons but either way those kids are going to have a great field day game.
When do you introduce yourself to your new neighbors? Is it after 5 years? Tell me it’s after you hit their mailbox with your car.
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: yeah I do but sad news buddy, I’m married
You can name literally any food or drink to the dentist and they’ll be like “ohhh 😕 that’s actually so bad for your teeth. You should only eat water and toothpaste.”
SEA LION 1: “More like shark *weak* amirite?”
SEA LION 2: “Hahaha”
SHARK: “Hey guys, what ya watching?”
[Sea lions jump onto ceiling fan]
I can’t believe I have the audacity to say things to my kids like, “if you were actually hungry you would eat those vegetables.”
“Speak softly and carry a big stick.” — Teddy Roosevelt
“Yell loudly and talk about the size of your stick.” — Donald Trump
My whole life just flashed before my eyes and there was way too much cauliflower.
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
If sex doesn’t include peanut butter, a live mongoose, and my psychiatrist taking notes then I don’t want it.
*uses Sharpie to write, “do not drop” on your newborn’s forehead before handing it back.
When I would sit in the backseat of the car as a kid I used to imagine I was in a music video. Now when I sit in the backseat I imagine someone’s finally taking me to an asylum.
Buy your kids a tortoise. Then when you’re elderly, they’ll already have 40 years’ experience feeding & loving something that barely moves
Me: *pssst* tell the girl wearing the white dress I think she’s hot
Priest: absolutely not
I’m pretty sure Mark Zuckerberg googled “what do humans enjoy?” and the first result was “Sweet Baby Ray’s” and he just stopped reading after that
Wife: Don’t use that Band-Aid. It’s expired.
Me: How can a Band-Aid possibly go bad?
*puts on Band-Aid*
*bursts into flames*
Your “COEXIST” sticker inspired me to slip a Madagascar hissing cockroach through your car window at the mall. Peace.
It’s bikini season, so you’re allowed to shoot bikinis as long as you have a permit.