Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I bet in 2000 years they are gonna be digging up the rubble of our destroyed earth and they’ll find a Nokia still on half battery.

According to the Internet:

Xbox One
– $500.
– Weaker hardware.
– Mandatory daily check-in.
– Requires Kinect.
– DRM.

PS4
– Cures cancer.

Nothing sexier than when a man pulls you close, looks deep into your eyes, and puts a Babybel in your mouth.

I dreamt I was turning into a
t-rex. A tiny part of me tried to fight it

I love greens, but not in a sexual way

Platonic salads, so to speak

“Son, would you like to go to college some day, or would you like to keep ordering guac? Your choice.”

when my daughter asks me how much more dinner she needs to eat to get dessert i like to answer in abstract quantities like ‘the average weight of joy’ or ‘seven sunsets’ to teach her that life often doesn’t make sense and also quit sassing me and eat your peas, kid.

COP: *drawing chalk outline around victim*

ME: what’s that for?

COP: seriously?

ME:

COP: I think it’s to keep out ants

[taking communion at church]
I’m a recovering alcoholic do you have any actual blood?

Me: I won’t be in due to a VOLCANO
Boss: ..we live, in Florida..?
Me: IRRELEVANT
Boss:
Me: *opens 3rd bottle of vodka, puts on arm floaties*

[marriage counseling]

He barely knows who I am anymore

“That’s not true, Karen”

LINDA, MY NAME IS LINDA

My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!

My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?

Your move, grandpa.

[during sex]

Him: punish me, baby

me: *tells him everything I had to eat that day*

Him: wait, stop

me: hang on *hands him the phone* my mom wants to talk to you

Him: *dies*

Girlfriend: *whispering* Have you ever thought of getting rid of that mole?
Me: He may be blind, but he’s not deaf

*brings ramen noodles to your cookout*

When I die I don’t want a big funeral. I’d just like a few of my close friends to get together and try to bring me back to life…

drummer: “just add er on the end of your instrument”
guy who plays trumpet: “so im a trumpeter, ok cool”
guy who plays trombone: “oh no”

I never use “a lot” or “too much” butter. I use the right amount. Now, hand me my butter shovel.

4-year-old: *sees a kid in the store* She goes to my daycare! She’s my best friend in the world!

Me: What’s her name?

4: I don’t remember.

Me: if you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine

7-11 Clerk: look man, we’re out of hotdogs, idk what to tell you

Back in high school I never went for mean girls because I prefer them above average

Your 20s: I will strive for goodness and peace in this troubled world.

Your 40s: Every single chair is terrible.

Every time I see a jogger that looks like they’re just about to pass out from running I always think, “Do they know they don’t need to be jogging?”

Friend: what are u doing
Me: training my pet rock
Friend: that’s dumb
Pet Rock: *leaps from my hand & hits him in the face*
Me: no rocky, no

5yo just asked for, and I quote, “two fingers of milk” if you’re wondering how parenting during lockdown is going

When a cop pulls me over I lick my lips and say, “Can I show you something sexy to get out of this ticket?,” then I open my center console full of snacks.

The umbrella was going to be called brella, but the inventor hesitated.

3yo wipes off the air kisses that I blow to her from across the room, which is some next level shade.

Hundreds, nay thousands of movies about falling in love but only one movie about a beach that makes you old

You politely tap a jogger with your car one time, and suddenly you get labeled a hero.