Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Yeah avengers endgame was good but I found out my boyfriend is a movie clapper so at what cost

I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed

ME: Can I borrow your car?
FRIEND: You already borrowed my car.
ME: *nervously* Can I borrow another one?

In a job interview, you can always respond to an awkward question with a deep gaze and parted lips, followed by “You complete me.”

My old WiFi name used to be BoratVoiceMyWifi but I’ve since matured

Heard my husband scream “NOOOOOO!” from across the house, ran to see if he was okay, then discovered him watching that video of the raccoon who tries to “wash” his cotton candy and then appear visibly upset when it dissolves in the water.

My daughter said she wanted a pet fish so I gave her a can of tuna. The fact she took it, painted it and made an aquarium for it, proves that quarantine life is getting to all of us.

You can’t give me a mini fan at work and expect me not to spend the whole morning pretending I’m a model doing a photo shoot. It’s science.

“Mom, the kid in the other car is making faces at me.”

“Just ignore him, sweetie.”

*Crosses fingers*
*Fingers plan their revenge*

parenting hack: take your kids to the park then just leave them there. start a new life. be you. enjoy traveling again. make new friends that don’t care what color the cup or bowl is. you don’t need that negativity in your life. be free.

I don’t follow washing instructions, you’re my clothes you don’t tell me what to do

Friendly reminder people are still stupid no matter who they vote for

On vacation, I ask the concierge to stand outside the shower and ask me random questions so I can feel right at home.

#BrexitIn5Words

He’s just not into EU

how tf do u spell matthew mick hon hon hay

At what point do they stop replacing the wobbly wheels and just send the shopping cart off to live on the farm?

I’m young, but not “know exactly why I came into this room” young.

I hit a pothole so hard the woman on the radio bit her tongue

yea we make fun of the fact the business people in the jurassic park universe keep giving the green light to a theme park that kills like 75 people every couple of years just cause its profitable but damn if thats not the most realistic part lol

went to a dinner last night and we are struggling

‘we love the sea because it’s where we come from we fear it because we left so long ago’, I say suddenly, startling myself, and the waitress

Looking good, Kim! #LNSM

This morning I did ten sit ups. Doesn’t sound like much, but there are only so many times you can hit the snooze button.

Cop: Know why I stopped you?

Me: I was going too fast?

Cop: Yes, you’ll get brain freeze

Me: [eats ice cream slower]

Got a new high score on my bathroom scale

Anyone else get in trouble for inadvertently making noise while your child films a video for their non existent YouTube channel? I’m telling my fans to subscribe and ring the bell and you ruined it, Mom!

Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: no sir
My Parrot: hell yea I love driving 86 mph without a seatbelt! my name is phil jamesson

ME: *catches the bouquet* Yes! I’m next, losers! Haha!
SOME RELATIVE: This is a strange funeral reception.