I like to take a store-bought cake to a potluck and joke that I made it myself. As if people could actually make their own cakes!
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[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
Me, taking my clothes off at a crematorium: So, where’s the sauna?
50 Shades of Letting People on the Train Know You’re Not Getting Laid
By the nervous look on his face I thought my boyfriend had an engagement ring hidden in his hand but it was just a stranger’s bra.
Whew.
why is there Head & Shoulders shampoo. who has hair on their shoulders. whos shampooing their shoulder hair. please come forward
“How do you sleep at night!”
Usually on my side facing the door.
Did you fall out of a vending machine?
Cause you look like a snack!
friend: look how big my new plant is getting!
me: oh wow, if you think that’s big you should see some of the ones outside has
me before coffee: ugh why is everyone shouting
me after coffee: okay yes I do see the fire now
If your entire outfit can be purchased at a gas station it’s not appropriate for court.
I know two wrongs don’t make a right, obviously. But how many does it take? I’m like on 756.
Meanwhile, at the local farmer’s market…..
Did I say feelings? I meant uhhh sandwiches. I have sandwiches for you.
same but as an audience member
At my age getting lucky means having the house to myself
Oh yeah that’s it
If I was a witch, I’d curse you to have neighbors who hand out vegetables for Halloween.
Growing up, I had lots of nicknames but my best would always be ‘Officer! That’s him over there’… It gave me my sprinter’s physique.
You ever notice how when you get home from food shopping, the kids turn into airport security?
Me (who lives alone): ok who ate all the almond butter
Instagram better not use my cloud pics. THEY’RE MY CLOUDS GET YOUR OWN CLOUDS ZUCKERBERG!
Boss: Is that beer? You’re not supposed to drink at work!
Me: You’re not supposed to cheat on your wife.
Boss: You’re doing a great job.
I saved $38 by moving the fish tank in front of the TV during “Ellen” and telling my kids it was Finding Dory.
[God creating praying mantis]
Make an insect that does karate
Angel: k
Now make it bite her husband’s head off
Angel: dude we need to talk
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
this is stick
*dog wags tail*
this is branch. its made of sticks
*tail wags faster*
this is tree. it makes sticks
*dog helicopters into sky*
Not sure if I want buns of steel, or buns of cinnamon.
If Twitter bellies up, I’m getting addresses because we are all pen pals now