I like to take a store-bought cake to a potluck and joke that I made it myself. As if people could actually make their own cakes!
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how much my patient talks about their healthy choices
▶ 🔘──────── 00:05how much my patient talks about their single daughter
▶ 🔘──────── 74:36:15
If you’ve never seen someone do karate in white leather pants…then buckle up baby, because I’m about two wine coolers away from making your dreams come true.
If I was a witch I would cast vague and subtle spells. So and so never gets to see a rainbow again. That type of stuff.
I feel terrible I sat back and did nothing while 5 “Twilight” movies were made.
Only people who grew up before the internet will remember these: spelling, grammar and punctuation.
Coffee helps me remember….
Everybody’s name
My passwords
Sense of humour
Woods ❌
I mean wordsI never said it was easy.
Eve: Wrong hole!
Adam: Sorry, it’s my first time. How do U know it’s the wrong hole? No one has done this before, it’s just us two you know
*draws a line in the sand*
*looks at the line in the sand*
*decides that it might be time to vacuum*
EARTH: with your vast wealth you could stop poverty 90 times over
ELON MUSK: [daydreaming] I’m going to put ice cream trucks on the moon
2020 became the year I purchased a printer and remembered that printers are the hardest problem in computer science.
I finally bought a set of dumbells.
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets?
Please say 6 weeks.
me: [puts a snorkel and flippers on my horse]
water polo ref: still no
Me: Would you tell a friend or co-worker if they have bad breath?
Wife: Of course
M: Even tho it’ll upset them?
W: Yes, must be cruel to be kind
M: *handing over mouthwash* You’ll be needing this, then
W: I despise you
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
9, playing an iPad game: Weird… I accidentally did something and my character became fat.
Me: Same.
[3 AM]
5yo: *sobbing* Daddy
Me: Ughhh..yes, sweetheart, what’s wrong?
5yo: I’m lonely…
Me: Then, don’t ever get married.
5yo: Ok, Daddy.
Me: *about to get kidnapped* What kind of puppy?
A cabbage a day keeps people away.
<••• accidentally splashes pickle juice in my eyes…
“Ow! I’m brined!”
Slot twist: That USB drive goes in the other way. Turn it over
Protip: Never take your wife with you to your annual checkup. She will tell the doctor way too much about you.
My laptop: *memory is low*
Me, in my 40’s: “you and me both, buddy”
I’d like to pay my .30 library fine with two credit cards please.
No matter how many shocking surprises life throws at you, you’re never quite prepared to hear a British person pronounce the word “vitamin”
My husband says he doesn’t understand why I hate grocery shopping so much, because he doesn’t mind it. And by “grocery shopping,” he means a quick run to the store for ice cream, treats, and snacks. You know, the “essentials.”
Me: *ziplines into wedding* “Sup nerds?” *pants get caught and tear off leaving me dangling naked upside down*
Priest: “Ooh a piñata!”
HER: Take a shower with me. 😊
ME: Haha no, I always hog the hot water and you’ll get upset.
HER: Please. 😊[5 minutes later]
HER: I’m so cold…
ME: *mouth around the shower nozzle* GLUG GLUG GLUG
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a bilingual journalist to help, are they?
Flight attendant: We need a Spanish translator
Me: *puts book down*
They’re not called “butt hole mirrors.” They’re called “hand mirrors,” according to this clerk at Walgreens.