Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

if you just show up to a delivery room in scrubs and carry a videocamera you can usually film like 7 or 8 births before they throw you out

Establish dominance over old people by yelling BINGO when you don’t really have it

Get married so you can spend the rest of your life closing kitchen drawers and cabinets.

We can say “winter is coming” in a normal way again, right? Like it’s been long enough?

Them: “There’s certain things that should be left unsaid”
My brain: “VOLDEMORT”.

in case you were wondering how things are going these days for the generation that attended kindergarten exclusively via zoom…

our 6yo has started surreptitiously playing wordle on his school-issued chromebook while in class and skyping us his score

Went to a social event for my kid’s new school and they asked the parents to share what your friends like in 7th grade and I told them if I shared that you wouldn’t let your kid hang out with mine.

*2 ghosts walk into a bar*
That’s it.
Everyone left screaming.

I think airplanes would be way cooler if the wings flapped like a bird

[Invention of the universal remote]
“This changes everything.”

Preparing for my beach vacation by watching Jaws okay maybe this whole trip was a bad idea.

me: uhhh what did you do?

9: [frantically trying to wash his blue colored hands] nothing. I did nothing!

I honestly don’t know what my family would do without me.

I’m the only one that knows how to find the correct version of my toddler’s favorite song on YouTube.

Stuffs sugar packets into my handbag as I leave the cafe.

Sachets away.

cutting my arm off BEFORE going hiking so that the 127 hours thing doesn’t happen to me.

me: i think the leg needs to be amputated.

doctor: don’t worry it’s just a mosquito bite.

me: i know but it’s so itchy.

I’m sick of diarrhea. I want to livarrhea.

I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.

Apparently John Oliver is too awesome for words. But we already knew that.

Dear check writer in front of me,
I am trying to remember this is how my grandmother would have paid and I would punch anyone who judged my grandma. You are making this harder.

This bank app is great for checking account activity!

Also comes in handy when you just need a reason to cry.

My mom just told me that one of her coworkers taught a first grader who spoke in a British accent
Which isn’t that weird at all—until you take into account that his parents are from here, they have no accents & their son somehow adopted an entire dialect from watching Peppa Pig

Pro tip: if you show up nude to the Zoom meeting, you don’t have to do anymore zoom meetings.

Anyone can recommend a good Hobbit movie?

My father (68, white, straight, male): “Hey, can you explain this bear in the woods thing to me? I don’t understand. Obviously, women would rather meet a random gay man in the woods. But why does he have to be a bear?”

I empty the recycling bin on my computer like someone’s actually gonna come along and say “ew gross this bin needs emptied”

“Let’s agree to disagree.”

TRANSLATION: You’re so painfully wrong on every conceivable level that I just need you to shut up now.

Person: Would you like to eat 6 string cheeses in a row?
Me: Naw.
Person: We deep fried em and there will be tomato sauce.
Me: Oh, ok, yes.

I cleaned my bathroom mirror 3 times, only to realize the smudge was chocolate smeared on my face from two days ago.

Air used to be free at the gas station, now it’s $1.50. Know why?
Inflation