I like to take an empty Krispy Kreme donut box to work and sit in the break room and watch all of the disappointed faces
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I want a Viking funeral when I die…complete with sticks, marshmallows and chocolate for the attendees.
What? I’m sure that’s traditional.
ME: (doing stand up)
GUY IN CROWD: BOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 2: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 3: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 4: what the-
GUY 5: he’s just eating those like Pac-Man
Of course I believe you are God’s gift to women.
He gave us periods and painful childbirth. Why not you too?
Look at you, putting your bag of popcorn into a bowl like the Queen of England.
[aliens dissecting humans]
alien surgeon: seems like they feel terrible after they drink alcohol
alien assistant: that’s good, so they never do it
alien surgeon: you’re not gonna beleive this
My 3 yr old is so encouraging. I changed my shirt; she says”Daddy, you did it!” If she finds out I use the potty by myself, she’ll flip out.
ME: Give up, man. She’s not coming back.
GROCERY CART:
The night is dark and full of terrors.
My day is long and full of meetings.
Same thing.
If you’re at a concert and the singer holds the mic out and makes you sing the lyrics you should get some of your money back.
Add mushrooms to any salad for that farm fresh taste of dirt.
I shrunk my husband’s hoodie in the dryer, so now I have to convince him that he gained 30 pounds overnight to hide my mistake.
Hearing them call a 25 year old hockey player a ‘veteran’ and a 28 year old player ‘old’ has done zilch for my self esteem today
I dreamt I was turning into a
t-rex. A tiny part of me tried to fight it
If you see me on my balcony practicing my karate, just keep driving…I don’t want you getting pregnant.
My roommate wants to have sex with me so bad. I don’t think he understands how marriage works.
Every once in a while I’ll be driving while not eating and think, “Wow, this is way easier.”
dutch so unserious
100% sure whoever named the sea lion never saw a land lion
PSA: If you’re about to be arrested, climb to the roof of a nearby court. You are now ‘above the law’ & literally can’t get in trouble ever
… and another thing, who’s responsible for non-virgin olive oil?
Sportscenter, episode 542783747363467367984768474756431063389425993399064375493638386747899532689432462567953467347: Men talking animatedly.
Something’s wrong with the selfie camera on my new phone. It keeps making me look like I’m 40.
I got my first real 6-string
Bought it at the 5 & dime
Played it til my fingers bled
Mom sued the guitar manufacturer & settled out of court
Alfijnbahkfnbsbbakrbbjdnebzk hzueonyvag macarena yrvixndvwhkga ndhwkdbcbe hayvektoubabrjnahor
HEYYYY MACARENA
The number of STDs I can spell without autocorrect really bothers me.
God: Don’t eat that Apple. You can smoke this plant I made instead
[20 min later]
Adam: Sooo hungry
Eve: Me too
Adam: That apple looks good
Everyone knows there’s no such thing as a zombie army. The proper name is the Marine Corpse.
I am doomed ! My eight year god daughter borrowed my beard trimmers and removed her long blonde hair whilst I was making custard. Her parents do not pick her up until tomorrow lunch time. She is happy as Larry, actually looks good with a crew cut. I am doomed
You don’t have to drive me crazy, I’m close enough to walk.
batman: i caught the penguin
judge: bail is set for $0
batman: isn’t he a flight risk?
judge:
batman: oh right