Me: Doing great?
B: No, I’m letting you
M: Have the corner office?
B: Constantly completing my sentences wrong.
I like to take an empty Krispy Kreme donut box to work and sit in the break room and watch all of the disappointed faces
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[SETI receives extraterrestrial signal from 95 light years away]
[scientist decodes message in the signal]
[first day as a bartender]
boss: stop putting OJ in the mojitos
me: *starts serving mitos*
[Live recording of The Oprah Winfrey Show]
Oprah: *excitedly pointing at audience members* You get a car, you get a car and you get a car, *looks me squarely in the eye* not you… *resumes* you get a car, you get a car…
Undercover cop at a beauty salon: I’ve been made, over
She walked in & she had legs, legs that went on for days. Who knows where they went? They just kept wenting.
– Why my mystery novel failed
Dr: I’m giving u a proton-pump inhibitor
Me: LIKE A GHOSTBUSTER?
D: No for acid reflu *sees tears welling in my eyes* yes for busting ghosts
Well, lookie there. Bring a cheesecake to a gunfight and suddenly EVERYBODY wishes you’d brought a knife.
I’ll never be accused of talking behind someone’s back, because that would involve talking to people.
People who are quarantining in jeans: what are you trying to prove