I like to take an empty Krispy Kreme donut box to work and sit in the break room and watch all of the disappointed faces

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*at Wal-Mart*

Husband: A couple is fighting on the cereal aisle

Me: It’s not us this time

*we fist bump*


I wish mirrors and cameras would get together and figure out what I really look like.


A good woman is like home WiFi: Full of knowledge. Always there for you. Used by your roommate WHEN YOU’RE NOT THERE THAT’S RIGHT AMY I KNOW


Me: *buys anything at the store*

Wife: Was it on sale?

Me: Yes.

Wife: Did you use a coupon?

Me: Yes.

Wife: Did you use your discount card?

Me: Oops.

Wife: You’ve brought shame on us all.


A good friend bails you out of jail, a best friend is sitting in the cell right next to you, a worst friend framed both of you for murder.


My boyfriend finally proposed to me, well he proposed that I stop saying he’s my boyfriend and that I get off his lawn and just leave him alone.


*30 years into the Apocalypse*

Grandson – Before phones what did you do for fun?

*Pulls out faded extremely warn hacky sack*

Me – This shall be the best thing I bestow upon you. I also have a random shampoo bottle you can read while you poo.


{commercial for boats}
Tired of your car not knowing how to swim?


A group of chimpanzees walking out of a Banana Republic is called “disappointed”
Except for Charlie there, who scored a nice sundress.


Water Polo is one shark away from being the most entertaining sport around