Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[waking up from a nightmare]

Him: Was it the one about zombies again?

Me: *thinking back to the giant unfrosted Pop-tart chasing me* Yes

ME: Not gonna make it in today. I hurt my updog.
BOSS: What’s updog?
ME: Nothing much, prolly just gonna take a nap.

I just ate a donut before dinner & told my kids I can cuz I’m an adult so they will see growing up is awesome & eventually leave home.

despite popular opinion dating apps are NOT for dating. they are for finding people to watch your instagram story for years and years

Sometimes I get bored and try to get random people to read “alpha kenny body” 3 times fast.

Friend: OMG did u see the thing on the news about the sinister clowns?

Me: *flashback to me watching the debate* yeah I think I saw that

I just opened a Capri Sun in the dark, sup ladies

Lmao I love the recipe blogger parents who are like “I’m just like you! I hardly
Have time on weeknights! Here is a little ditty I make when we are SUPER busy running between activities” and it starts out “first, spatchcock a whole chicken.”

*mixes raisins into my mac and cheese*

The pigeons are plotting to overthrow the government. It will start with a coo.

Date: Cat-callers disgust me.

Me: [hastily returning phone to pocket] Oh haha yeah me too.

My cat: *at home by the phone worried sick*

[ Playing with Ouija board ]

Ouija board: I have a boyfriend.

Before company arrives we like to clean our house so there’s no evidence that we live like circus monkeys the other 364 days of the year!

I wonder why they don’t like me using the label maker

I got a gumball machine for my 11th birthday. It was like saying, “Hey I got you a gift but you have to pay $.10 every time you want to play with it.”

I have a nice body. It’s out in the trunk.

When my girlfriend is upset, I let her colour in my black and white tattoos,
because sometimes she just needs a shoulder to crayon.

#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes

6: Why don’t you juice oranges for me anymore?

Me: You broke my juicer.

6: When I juiced that play dough?

M: yep

cop: do you know why I pulled you over?

me: is it the body in my trunk?

cop: haha

me: haha

body in my trunk: haha

[Million dollar idea] : Spaghetti Sauce colored Tupperware.

There are two types of people in this world. Those who make fun of Wordle. And those who can solve a Wordle.

Troubleshooting steps when your car won’t start in the morning:

1. Call in sick
2. Go back to bed

Synonym rolls all look different but taste the same

My uncle was sitting alone at the table & I said “sitting with all of your friends?” And he said “yeah having a good conversation with your boyfriend.” I love the holidays!!!

Bruce Willis in Starbucks. he gives his name as “not Bruce Willis” and when they call him he grabs his coffee and runs away giggling

If you’re only18, please don’t tweet philosophy and proverb verbiage based on your first love and the difficulty of your inexperienced life.

Gonna tell my dentist that if I’m late, he should start without me.

when bread gets all hard we throw it away but when it’s toast we’re like yay breakfast

cop: can you describe the suspect

witness: he was no more than 6 feet

cop: [crossing out spiders] thank god

person I’ve never interacted with who has no tweets and a pfp that’s not human: follow me back please!