Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[pediatricians office]

8, after the flu vaccine: Daddy, now I can tell my whole class I got shot!

Me: Please don’t say it like that.

‘Sorry I liked your Facebook status, I was using my laptop as a plate’- my autobiography

My 10 y/o daughter checked my wife’s Fitbit and she “didn’t move enough last night to be Santa Claus” and I still don’t have a “real beard” so it appears the old man will be back next year.

I stopped swearing, because kids. Then I started swearing, because kids.

SANTA, tied up, black eye: You boys are in a lot of trouble with Mrs. Claus.

HEAD KIDNAPPER: Oh really? And what is she going to do? Bake cookies at us?

SANTA: Well, no. But before we were married, she was Head Valkyrie of Valhalla.

HK: Is…is that so?

*distant Wagner music*

I can think of a few ways to dirty up a bedroom..

*eats a nature valley granola bar on your bed, spills milk on the floor, wipes my face on your pillow*

[Cops have a warrant for my arrest]
Cops: you’re coming with us!
*Plays the Benny Hill theme on my phone & runs away*
Foot chase ensues.

The only time I chase guys is when they try to steal my food

if you can’t handle me at my worst is there another preferably more affordable therapist you can refer me to

Everyone talks about Greenland and Iceland having misleading names, but I think it’s bullshit that Finland isn’t an underwater country full of fish people.

might quit my job to focus on actually putting away my laundry

[Entire house is full of trees]
Girlfriend: What did you do?!
Me: You told me to spruce things up.
GF: Everything’s stuck to everything!!!

I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.

saw a space station pass through the sky last night which was cool but what was not cool was that I saw a guy looking out the window and he mouthed “nerd” at me

After learning about hieroglyphics, it makes you realize that Egyptians invented the emoji.

Me: Ah-woooo!

The Moon: [swipes left]

The next time I lose my car I’m just going to let it find its own way home.

She’s marrying HIM?! TODAY?!

*cut to me sprinting across town to stop the wedding but I see a good dog at the park and pet him instead*

Every time you push the potato button on your microwave, a potato appears in someone else’s microwave.

My friends most commonly describe me as “who?”

Sorry neighbor who’s choking to death, my cat’s resting his little head on my leg.

This, like, never happens.

[turns to buddy just before bar fight]
“I’ll take the guy with the glasses, you take the guy dressed as a ninja”

[shark tank]

Me: have u ever wanted to eat the luggage tag on ur bag after a flight

Mark cuban: no

Me: look no further

Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.

I take my ibuprofen wrapped in cheese cause why should my dog have all the fun?

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-1 sided text conversation between me and my 18yo daughter because all I do is pick her up from places.

Sad thing is, they probably never even gave it a chance

Friends don’t let friends drive drunk but I don’t want them staying at my house

And that’s why Uber was created

I told my sons that we used to have to ask girls out and even break up face to face and the look of horror on their faces was priceless.

In my DMs there are people saying I’m a shit doctor because I want to lose weight, and I’m thinking wow the public needs to be educated about the various roles in healthcare.

I’m a cancer doctor. A shit doctor is called a gastroenterologist. Follow for more insider info.