I like to take down Christmas decorations in stages. Right now in the stage where I sit on the couch with a cup of tea in denial that I need to take down the Christmas decorations.
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*lies down in bed*
*closes eyes*
*gets comfortable and relaxes*Brain: *blows into mic* *tap tap* Okay, so where was I…
Sometimes I think I should try to be a better person, but then I remember I’m good-looking, so I’m, like, nah.
asked my mom about this guy Ben in my hometown and she said “no one cares about that Ben anymore, there’s a hotter Ben now”
Just hugged the cat and he burped. He’s taking being called “My baby” too seriously.
[first date]
him, a cop: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
I want to open a shelter for neglected and forgotten passwords.
SON: *first word* momma.
MOM: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
ME: *distracted by the faint song of an ice cream truck*
He never comes down our street.
Hell hath no fury like a 4-year-old presented with a plate of chicken nuggets after they asked for chicken nuggets.
That f****** terrifying moment when you open your phone with a wet thumb and it starts automatically calling everyone on your contact list.
Almost arrived at work when my kid asked “Where’re we going?” Who the hell did I just drop off at school?!
Dude, I’d love to go out with you, but this one person 80s dance party in my living room isn’t going to host itself.
Hey bro, nowhere on your cologne bottle does it say “marinate in”
Neighbors act like they’ve never seen someone wearing a bath towel, chasing after a Garbage Truck before.
DO NOT show up to my place unannounced, I will literally stare at you from the window until nightfall, I don’t give a shit.
It’s a day for learning unwanted facts.
What sucks about those little hotel shampoo bottles is there’s no room for the directions so you kind of have to wing it.
Only whores show their boobs. Only uptight bitches won’t show their boobs. Please show me your boobs. Women are crazy. – men
10: Can we go to the adoption store and pick up a new baby?
Me: Sweet girl, Mama has 4 kids. If we go right now it’s probably to drop off.
My wife has given me some birthday cake to take to my friends at work.
They do not know about it.
She will never know if they received it.I now have what I like to call “my cake.”
we shouldn’t call bad opinions “hot takes.” people like to be hot. they should be called something disgusting. tell people they “took a glumpy one”
Arranged to pick something up on facebay. On way there they text to say they’d sold to someone else. Stalked their profile until they posted they were in search of something. Said I had it. When they turned up, I told them I’d just sold it someone else instead.
Just opened a Christmas card and a Yorkshire Pudding fell out.
I love my Aunt Bessie.
I’m not your GameBoy, quit pushing my buttons
Kids, do not try this at home!
gift cards are like i want you to buy what you want but from where i want
Yeah yeah “Friends with Benefits” are cool but have you tried “Friends with Batteries”? Less drama!
I’m completely over my ex, is the name of my poem to her
[Police station]
Me: “Not sure what why you guys arrested me. I guess I just have one of those faces. Huh.”
Cop: “That’s right buddy, and if we don’t get it back to the transplant center by noon, they won’t be able to operate. So hand it over, capiche?”
Finding out that the majority of microplastics come from tire dust should be a call to rethink our push for electric cars, and consider the environment-friendly potential of moving castles