I like to take long walks away from stupid people.
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My neighbor, whose name I thought was Chuck (for two years), told me his name and I immediately forgot it.
Every time I go to Baskin-Robbins their hamburger machine is broken.
I can’t lose this last 20 pounds so I’m just telling everyone that I’m pregnant now.
it’s always “wyd” and never “i spent $1,000 on harry styles pit tickets for you”
It has been literally hours and I’m still laughing out loud every time I think about this
That is the biggest doily I have ever seen.
I’m 33 now. The age Jesus quit comedy and got into magic. I hope I reach the same number of followers.
Oh, I don’t need a whole bag of confetti. Just the one confetto will be fine.
No one gaslights better than a toddler caught red-handed.
[Toddler covered in icing]
Did you touch the cake?
NO YOU DID
If a person talks at you for more than 7 minutes straight without pause in a “conversation,” you should be able to go into screen saver mode.
Need to get rid of an annoying guest or person on the phone? Take a kazoo to the speaker and blow it directly into their ear.
You’re welcome.
Honestly why do I bother attempting this shit
Life hack: ask telemarketers and phone scammers to go steady seconds into the conversation and never be bothered again OR now you found love
My 6-year-old wouldn’t stop playing “the floor is lava” so I put a pair of socks on him and told them they were lava-proof, and now he’s mad because I’m the one “making things up”.
My neighbor is trying to organize a block party and it’s like, I think we all know each other well enough, Tall Lady On Corner.
a moth just flew into my wine haha have fun driving home, you drunk piece of shit
Is your bathroom floor too dry? Try having kids™️
Give your kid a bowl of chips, and he’ll eat for a few minutes. Let him dump out a bag of chips in the car, and he’ll eat for a whole week
just had a chilling thought… do br*t*sh and canadian people call it ‘dragon ball zed’ 🤢
*admires David at the museum* I can’t believe a teenage mutant ninja turtle sculpted this
They said I’d have to kiss a lot of frogs before finding my prince. I never found him, but I did find out I’m REALLY into frogs.
“Don’t you dare. Don’t you lick it. Don’t! Do not lick the butter,” I yell threateningly at the cat.
I came home to a trail of bread leading to the bedroom & of course I followed, only to find my husband in bed with 10 ducks. I’m heartbroken
Only two things are certain: death, and Princess Diana’s face on at least one grocery store magazine
I bought a metal detector.
Beach better have my money.
My mother was so overprotective we were only allowed to play rock, paper.
My doctor said my cervix is perfect.
I’m still blushing.
Whenever I sing by myself in the shower or the car, I sound like a pop star. But when I sing around other people, I sound awful. Clearly, other people’s ears must be the problem.
The freebie-jeebies
That feeling you get when someone creepy buys you a drink without asking.
Russian roulette, except it’s me sneezing three times in a row while driving