I like to take long walks away from stupid people.
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One day, a handsome man will look me in the eyes and lovingly say, “I’ve been looking for you everywhere,” and this time it won’t be law enforcement.
I’m famous people used to have talent years old.
I began speaking English with a French intonation after a fender bender. Well, I guess accents will happen.
One of the kids just asked for family game night like we weren’t already fed up with each other enough as it is
Qsieowrrtpd
That’s me picking off pieces of quinoa from my iPad
customer service: so the vacuum works just fine but you want to return it cuz it’s… too loud?
me: [looks over at dog] that is correct
i’m such an introvert i don’t even talk to myself
meanwhile underwater, fish scientists continue to be baffled by rain. “it’s like the sky is pretending to be the ocean because birds are jealous of us,” said one bluefin tuna wearing a lab coat
Laziness is a dish best served delivered.
I’m not saying I’m mad at you, but I hope someone breaks into your house tonight, toasts all your bread and then puts it all back in the bag
Welcome to your 40s, your eyebrows are now a federally protected wildlife habitat.
Genie: One wish left
Me: I wish I was cool
Genie: Your wish is granted
⛄️: Wait not like this
OH MY GOD I’m not giving you my money!
-my 5 yo replying to radio commercials.
I keep my punching bag next to the fridge to let out my anger when there’s nothing to eat.
oh you’re bisexual? name every man and woman
no one still wants to fight me after I gently remove my earrings and swallow them
ME: I hate him with 1/16th of the fibers of my being
GUY: Not every fiber?
ME: I hate alot of people. I’m not wasting all my fibers on 1 guy
if I would’ve known that you were going to ask me what I was thinking I wouldn’t have been thinking what I was thinking.
Cat: What are you doing?
Me: Nothing.
Cat: You were looking at younger cats again.
Me: No
Cat: Show me your Instagram feed.
Me: No way.
What do you call a group of musical killer whales?
An orca-stra.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Johnny Depp was the ultimate bad boy until he started looking like my great aunt.
I’m completely over my ex, is the name of my poem to her
I always leave my front door unlocked on my birthday just in case someone is planning to kidnap me in the morning and take me to breakfast 🙂 so far I’ve had zero birthday breakfasts 🙂 and two Blu-ray players robbed 🙂
HIM: promise you won’t tell anyone?
ME: yeah! [under my breath] except my best friend
HIM: what?
ME: nothing! [whispering] there is a hierarchy of loyalty and your position on that hierarchy is low
HIM: what did you say?
ME: that ur secret’s safe with me 🙂
I tried to take peanut butter through airport security.
TSA: Sorry, no liquids, gels, or aerosols.
Me: I want you to tell me which of those things you think peanut butter is.
i think they should have thrown one avenger in with all the scientists in oppenheimer. just one little tiny scene where oppenheimer, feynmann, and fermi are sitting around like “well, what do you think, Ant Man?”
Sex is great but have you tried taking a shower after a week of camping?
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
Boy, did The Shining nail what it’s like being an only child.
Taco Bell is really the only place you can still get gas for $1.29 at the moment.