I like to take long walks away from stupid people
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If your drug dealer answers your call on the first ring …. he’s a cop.
The owls are hooting and the stars are shooting and the coons are looting the cat food
I’ve never been in love… But I imagine its similar to the feeling you get when you see your waiter arriving with your food.
Car salesman: It’ll comfortably fit 5 people
Clown: How many uncomfortably?
I have this friend who doesn’t post anything on social media. He just lives his life.
I said, “how am I supposed to know what you’re up to?” he said, “ask me”
What a weirdo.
I want my boyfriend to get a tattoo on his neck so I won’t have to worry about him getting a job and not having time to hang out with me.
Dudes who flirt on LinkedIn are like “That pickup line really backfired on Tinder so I’m going to try that again and include my entire work history”
Shaggy and the gang are out there trying to discredit demons all while hanging out with a talking dog. My dudes, that IS a demon
If u rob a container store does that count as organized crime?
Dear North Carolina, if you let guys marry each other, you’ll have more available women in your family to date!
I wanna be friends with this person
I’ve never been addicted to drugs, but I imagine the urge is what my mother-in-law feels to rearrange my utensil drawer at my house.
[restaurant]
waiter: how would you like your steak
me: i don’t know, medium?
medium: *gazes into crystal ball* you will like it a lot
“I love having my toddlers surprise me by joining my shower. Not only is it relaxing and efficient, it’s eco friendly.”
SAID NO MOM EVER
16- *bragging about his mustache*
12- Mom’s mustache is way better than yours
Me-
Sometimes I lie and tell my husband I spent $300 at Costco so he’ll stop talking to me.
“Those aren’t the variants you’re looking for” –
Obicron Kenobi
“Bless your heart” is southern for “I’m pretty sure you were dropped on your head as a child.”
My dog: Look, they were over baked. Sooo, you’re welcome.
ME: I’ve expressed this political opinion so clearly, there’s no way anyone could misinterpret it.
THE INTERNET: lmao challenge accepted
Hey “greatest generation” why is every thrift store filled with ceramic clowns
Somewhere on a windy pasture under this moon there’s a barbed wire fence I left more of myself on than I realized.
pitch: he’s a man who’s a doctor
tv execs: go on
pitch: but he is better than other doctors
tv execs: *nodding enthusiastically*
pitch: because of his Condition
tv execs: *sobbing, screaming, foaming at the mouth* this must be the only kind of show on the air from now on
ghosts in movies are stupid if i was a ghost id be in the bahamas but they’re just like “lets stay here and move pots and pans”
If you hate awkward silences, then necrophilia isn’t for you.
This morning my daughter lost her watch, mask, homework book, hairbrush and my will to live
Cavemen were like ‘kill two pterodactyls with one pstone’
Me: YOU CAN DO IT SON!
Son: Why are you being so encouraging? Are you drunk?
Me: Yep. So pass your driving test or we’re walking home.
Tried to back up today in a car without a rear facing camera. I killed seven pedestrians and three dogs.