Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Food gives you energy to nap more.

At the dmv waiting outside for my daughter to fill out paperwork. I’m remembering when I was 16 and my dad backed the car into the spot so I could just pull forward with the test guy. It worked! And 35 years later, I still can’t back out very well.

Me: Siri set an alarm for 6am tomorrow morning. I want to go to the gym before work.

Siri: Lol

The best thing about wearing socks all the time is being able to clean coffee spills without lifting a finger.

medium: so you want to contact your wife

me: I can still hear her voice

wife: [howling] let me iiiiiin

me: it’s like she’s watching me

wife: [through window] I forgot my keys

“40 is the new 20”
*Pulls a muscle*
“40 is the new 80”

the craziest thing about today’s story where a bear attacked a 12 year old girl jogging in her neighborhood is WHY IS A 12 YEAR OLD JOGGING

Whenever my daughter asks if I want to hear her dream I tell her to write it down so I can really absorb it later. Follow me for more tips.

12 Signs You Might Have Leprosy – Number 8 is jaw-dropping!

Love when horror trailers are like “straight from your nightmares” when your nightmares are usually like a buffalo chasing you through a mall but it’s also your mom

I am not the kind of girl you can take home to your wife.

Rose: [in Titanic] I’ll never let go, Jack

Jack: 🥶

Elsa from Frozen: lol know what would be funny right now

[commercial for college]

*person shoveling money into furnace*

Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better way?

If my iPod doesn’t work in the next few minutes, I’m throwing it in the river.

It can either sync or swim.

You should always read labels. I was about to eat this rat poison but then saw it has gluten in it. I could have died,

this is what happens when everyone feeds the same stray

Aliens: take us to your leader

Me: ok guys listen- he’s probably going to deport you but there is a small chance he’ll want to marry you

Hotel garbage cans are way too small.

How the hell am I supposed to fit my 8 take out containers, 5 empty bottles of wine, and cake tin in there?!

I am a full grown adult. Now listen to me discuss the various plot holes in Paw Patrol.

Me: hi 🙂

Woman at bar: it’s loud in here, I’m sorry, did you just say “colon closed parentheses” ???

When I was 30, I had a fling thing with a 22 year old. He subtweeted me on here and i didnt even have Twitter. My younger cousin showed me the tweet. 6 years later, and I’m finally mad about it.

[december 31st]
me: I really don’t want to

guy who made up that statistic about eating 8 spiders a year: *passing me a bowl* andrew. please.

Little Drummer boy: I have no gifts to bring

Mary: thats ok

Little Drummer Boy: I am a poor boy too

Mary: 🙂

Jesus: *sleeping*

Little Drummer boy: just gonna bang TF outta these drums tho

Joseph: if you wake him up i swear to god

It’s bullshit that my dog is a licensed therapy dog and he can’t prescribe medication

[blind date]
Him: what are you looking for in a partner?
Her: someone with serious ink
Him: *opens overcoat to reveal a range of 18th century fountain pens*
Her: [whispering] holy shit

This lady just licked her finger and wiped her daughters face…

<–Hands her some Listerine and gets in line to be cleaned

HER: OMG Thats not going to fit
HIM: Just relax. I’ll go slow
HER: If you’re sure…
HIM: [severely damages surrounding cars while parking]

HER: i’m leaving u

ME: is it bc i never listen to u

HER: yes

ME: k see u tonight

*limbos under the caution tape

[my 1st flight as co-pilot]
me: [breaks 30 minute awkward silence] “so what do you do?”
pilot: “i fly the plane keith”