I like to tell my husband “this marriage ends in death” and let him interpret that however he wants.
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Nut allergies are proof that trees are taking their revenge after generations of us stealing their young.
Have you decided on dinner?
“Yes, I’ll have the chicken, grilled.”
Very good.
*hears waiter yelling at chicken*
WHERE WERE YOU LAST TUESDAY
Been getting better gas mileage since I decided to turn off my car when I’m crying alone in parking lots.
Mom can you come get me?
I wished someone happy birthdsy in the group chat and now everyone is saying birthdsy
If you dont sin, Jesus died for nothing!
God: *inventing the elephant* let’s just move all the dials to maximum and see what happens
A warlock cursed me to forever be standing in line behind people trying to remember the name of a movie, and I know exactly what movie it is
next time you are washing your hands next to somebody…
cup your hands together until the water overflows.
then look at them and say:
This water is getting out of hand
Things toddlers have in common with raccoons:
– make messes they have no intention of cleaning up
– won’t share
– don’t like baths
– bitey
[building on fire]
ME: If we die here I just want you to know I’ve always liked you Gary
CO-WORKER: I guess now is a good time to tell you I ate your lunch out of the fridge on Thursday
ME: I knew it [stands up] STOP THE SIMULATION
Not saying dogs are better than kids in every aspect; but good luck finding a kid willing to lick up his own vomit.
When I find out you work in the medical profession, no matter the capacity, I will ask you to look at this rash. Just to annoy you
The human body can survive three weeks without food, three days without water but only three hours without wifi.
[if i was president]
“mr president, is it true you thought navy seals were actual seals that can drive a boat”
this press conference is over
Before posting each tweet, I ask myself: Does it bring me joy? Will it bring joy to others? I never wait for the answer.
Ulterior motives? Please, I don’t even know why I do things.
When my evening plans are ruined, I pay it forward by texting “I’m pregnant” to random numbers.
Just a reminder that The Batman is a Halloween movie the same way that Die Hard is a Christmas movie.
“I wonder if there’s a word for a person who inspires you,” I mused.
Me: Hi. I’d like to deposit a large amount of cash.
Bank teller: Ok. Where is it?
Me: No, I said I’d like to.
I love the Yakuza games. I wish Japan was real.
*first date*
Guy: I like when a girl has curvesMe, taking off my Spanx: behold
Reporter: What can you tell us about the asteroid you recently discovered?
Astronomer: No, comet.
I finally found a machine at work that I like: the coffee machine.
ME AS A MARRIAGE COUNSELOR:
I signed you both up for Tinder*1 week later
ME: You still want a divorce?
THEM: OMG NO THAT WAS HORRIFYING
CAPTCHA: Prove you aren’t a robot
Me, a sex machine: *sweating*
My 3 year old, who doesn’t notice her pants are inside out or that her shoes are on the wrong feet, can spot a diced onion in her food from 3 feet away
If you know someone who is effortlessly happy all the time, that’s a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
The new MAX app friggin ROCKS! My favorite thing is when I go to watch an episode of TV I’ve previously viewed and it brings me straight to the end credits then immediately autoplays to the next episode’s end credits as well. Smart! Everyone knows the credits are the best part ☺️
“Damn girl, you look hot”
Really?
“Like a sexy little italian car”
DID YOU JUST CALL ME FIAT?!?