Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.

ME: Thanks.

WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.

Leonardo: Let’s go rescue April!!
Donatello: Let’s do it!
Raphael: Bodacious!!
Michelangelo: Totally!!
Vincent: *cuts off ear* give her this

Hiking is useful if you like the outdoors, fitness, or finding new and interesting places to dispose of bodies

Used to be free to fill my tires up at the gas station, but now it’s ¢75.

Guess that’s the cost of inflation.

People will say astrology is bullshit until they read their star sign is ‘mind blowing in bed and a great kisser’ then its 100 percent facts!

Hearing an adult say they “don’t understand why the government doesn’t just print more money so people have more” is why we can’t have nice things.

So many people say “if my memory serves me correctly” and I’m actually quite shocked at the amount of servants named Memory…….

[first date]
me: so, what’s your biggest fear?
her: snakes. i hate snakes
me: (whispering to the mongoose in my vest pocket): she’s the one

There’s a new part of my brain aggressively trying to make me completely dedicate my life to becoming an expert on German amusement parks. It’s like “hey dude this stuff might be the most important shit you’ll ever learn” and I’m like christ. You’re probably right

who called it a toilet and not an IP address

I am now afraid to click on any celebrity name trending it just keeps getting worse and worse

That day I took a photo of a ghost builder on their way to work carrying their hard hat.

Dear axe body spray,

Could you Please put a suggested spray size on your deodorant bottles.

Best regards,
Asphyxiated girls everywhere.

And now we wait

Ah yes keep complaining the guy at 7/11 doesn’t speak English well enough, like you aren’t the moron who needs help in a convenience store

I don’t need lip fillers. I have two toddlers constantly head-butting me.

never ask a starfish for directions

Me: I have shark like reflexes

“Don’t you mean cat like reflexes”

Me: NO!
*i charge*
*he bops me on the nose*
*I run away*

interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills

me: yes, that number is zero

box: meow

schrodinger: ignore that

50% of modern life is trying to figure out what’s beeping.

ME (teaching driver’s ed): quick, what did that sign we just passed say?

STUDENT: um

ME: this is important

STUDENT: *reluctantly* McDonald’s, one mile, exit 7A?

ME: good. stay in the right lane and ready your blinker

me: yay, i’m getting to bed on time!

my brain: let’s obsess over how you’ll protect your children if you’re at the beach during a tsunami

*Michael Cera stubs his toe on a cotton ball*

I planned to graduate camping school but I failed tent grade.

[watching Friends]

NIECE: I love this show

ME: aw I loved it when I was ten too *ruffles her hair* you are gonna have such unrealistic expectations for how close your adult friendships will be

i didn’t think at 41 i would be saying “but please don’t tell my parents” as often as i do

If life gives you a cactus that doesn’t mean you have to sit on it.