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When people with bible quotes in their bio follow me…I don’t know man. I think you’re gonna have a bad time
Someone accused me of spending too much time on the Internet. I don’t know what to say. I am so full of emoticons right now.
[after a plane crash]
Pilot: are u guys mad at me :/
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: night<3
me: goodnight stars 🙂
moon: wtf
me: sry wrongnumber
moon: whos stars
moon: who is stars
moon: answer me
me in the kitchen: how do i crack an egg
me watching great british bake off: what kind of an idiot forgets to poke steam holes in their banquet pie
My finances would be a lot better if ATMs would ask me what I need the money for and then look at me disapprovingly before giving me half.
Both of my girls wanted to stay home sick today until they found out the Wi-Fi was down.
I’ve been barred from the local Mexican restaurant for repeatedly bringing and summoning my waiter with my personal maracas
Sorry, but Spotify sounds like the opposite of a stain remover and why would I want it?
CDC: Fully vaccinated people can safely gather indoors and hug.
Me: Gross.
‘I want to see other families.’
~Me, saying grace at Thanksgiving
I’ll take a bullet for you but if a clown shows up somewhere you on your own
i call soup dumplings “soup dumps” which was cute until i texted my friend “i forgot to send you a pic of my dumps”
Motorway in Britain: “Go 40mph for a bit”
You: “Why? What’s happened?”
Motorway: “Absolutely nothing”
People who complain about parties must not like free food.
Them: who ya gonna call
Me: ghostbusters
Them: sweet, what’s the number
Me: they didn’t say
If Seal was my friend, I would never miss an opportunity to ask him, “Wanna go clubbing?”
[at my funeral]
boss : you’re LATE
true friends will unglue your lips from your leg when DIY waxing goes terribly wrong
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
After weeks of late night cheese benders…Brenda couldn’t help but wonder…where did it all go wrong
Tried to impress 9 by making up sentences containing 3 of her vocabulary words at once, so now she knows what “nerd” means.
“What’s this switch for?” he asked.
“No idea,” she said. She flipped it on. Off. “Nothing?”
Somewhere, a writer had an idea. Then lost it.
i have a friend who hates certain hair styles and he told me he stopped watching john wick halfway through. he couldnt get past the middle part.
Ronald McDonald’s favorite song is the bigmacarena
Me: *takes her shirt off & sees a padded bra* whoa
Her: I’m so sorry, are you upset?
M: *pulls a salami out of my shorts* let’s call it even
Christmas cards are like, here’s a hard copy of the Facebook picture I posted a week ago.
BEST FRIEND: Dude I’m broke!
ME: …
DAUGHTER: I have to sell my house!
ME: …
BROTHER: I have NOTHING, you took it ALL!
ANGEL ON SHOULDER: You should help them.
MONOPOLY GUY ON OTHER SHOULDER: FINISH THEM!
Why do people insist on saying “You’re next” to me at weddings? Do they not realize how serial killery that is?
God: let there be light!
vampires: wtf dude we were invincible til now