I like to test the waters by pushing people in.
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Wife: Will you please move your stupid truck?
Me: I’m sorry, move what?
Wife: Ugh. Will you please move the Colossus of Roads?
*always thought ‘copulation’ was the amount of police officers in a given country.
batman: I protect the innocent, the helpless, the people with no one left to save them
alfred: right
batman: also need you to make another costume, I adopted an angsty orphan and wanna send him to fight an insane clown
CAR SALESMAN: How can I help you?
ME: I’m looking to immediately lose money on a terrible investment.
CAR SALESMAN: That’s my specialty.
I will give Canada this. Their geese are hard to keep in a headlock.
“Choose password”
> 123bob“Password must not contain common names & must be complex with at least 50 characters”
> gameofthrones“OK”
Baby, you’re a firework: You hold my interest for about 15 minutes and scare the shit out of my dog.
I’m giving dirty looks to this dad at the cafe whose kid is being obnoxious but he’s not doing anything about it so I guess I’m going to have to deal with it because he’s my kid too or whatever.
My son is at that tender age where he believes me when I say that the dog ate the rest of the cookies out of the pantry.
“dont get conned into spendin our lottery money”
i wont
[calls wife back]
will 2 sharks fit in our pool?
“NO”
ok
[to salesman]
one shark pls
My daughter just asked “if you’re waiting for the waiter, doesn’t that make you the waiter?”
Me:……….
Don’t judge me for my toddler eating a chicken nugget for lunch. Judge me for not knowing where the chicken nugget came from.
Perfect one night stand:
Amish person.No internet access.
No phones.
In the heat of passion they’ll whisper the secret to apple butter.
I just got a paper cut from a 108 yr old book so I’m sitting here waiting to turn into a vampire
what idiot called it a best man instead of a lord of the rings
I’m scared of the pesticides on this produce, so I guess I’ll run them under cold water for half a second
Reviews of Hogwarts
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”
You guys are going to lose it when the Identity Theft Mosquitos get here.
GF told me she wanted to write her “biography” & I said “autobiography” & now there’s a chapter where I sleep at my place.
The goldfish was a little sick so I dripped some steroids in her bowl and now everything is hunky dory.
Reporter: Can you stop poking my chest?
Me: But your badge says ‘press’
Can. I. Help. You.
Will smith literally runs in every movie. Name one movie he didn’t run in. I’ll wait
Inflation is actually a good thing it means money is going viral
Other parents might understand this fear, I woke up to a text from my daughter that she sent at 12:32am
Daughter-you awake?
Me: (5 hours later) I just saw this, omg are you ok?
Daughter: oh yea I’m ok, I just wanted to know your potato salad recipe.
Praying Mantis wife: Are u cheating on me?
Praying Mantis husband [his missing head replaced by a marble]: What on earth gave u that idea?
Most common statement made to me at the class reunion, “I heard you were dead.”
For the last 60 days, a guy from Tinder has texted me some variation of “Hi. How are you?”
I reply, “Good. You?”
And the conversation trails off there or after a few more texts.
He never makes plans to go out.
I guess he’s just making an Excel spreadsheet about how I am.
Guys; if she stops responding to your messages for days, 100% of the time it’s a technical problem. Keep trying.