I like to test the waters by pushing people in.
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it’d be impossible to tell if a sloth was clapping sincerely
“Go ahead, caller. . .”
“Yes, hello. My dog dug up a femur and I’d like to make soup. Would you suggest carrots or potatoes?”
Date: you know that was just a filter, right?
Me: *upset she’s not part puppy* it’s fine, I’m fine
My favorite romance novels begin with “Preheat oven to 350 degrees”
Saw a fess on here how someone randomly texted their wife saying “I love you” and it saved their marriage. Tried it and now my wife thinks I am having an affair as it’s out of character
I’m not “passive aggressive”… would a passive aggressive person buy you these lovely wind chimes?
[lips on a snake]
WIFE: what are you doing?
ME: getting rid of the poison
WIFE: you’re supposed to suck your own bite
SNAKE: leave him alone
Reasons I visit a TL:
1. You’re a genius
2. You’re far from a genius
3. I like you
4. I know you hate me and want you to know I know
I just sighed so loud that my neighbor texted me, “What’s wrong?”
STOP KILLING CHEETAHS TO MAKE CHEETOS
One day, perhaps, I will manage to send myself an email without thinking “ooh who’s this?!” when it arrives three seconds later.
Feeling invisible and unnoticed?
Put in your ear buds and they won’t shut the hell up.
Me in January: (stuffing tangled lights and ornaments into unlabeled boxes) Problem for another day!
Me in December: Son of a b****
This kid at the Bar just told me Nickelback is a better band than Metallica….
Long story short….Send bail money…
interviewer: the job starts at 30k but in a year you’ll be making $40k
me: *gets up* ok see you then
[sees date shivering]
me: here, take my jacket
her: aw thanks
me: also, take my shirt
her: oh, u don’t have to-
me: [unbuttons pants]
Hell hath no fury like that of a woman waiting for you to reply to her text all the while she sees you’re continuing to send tweets.
Smoking doesn’t make you look cool kids. Murder does.
[first date]
ME:
HIM:
*20 minutes later*
ME: how about we text each other
HIM: *already typing*
Don’t be concerned whether your kid will like his or her name when they grow up. You’re the one who should like it because you’re the one that’s going to be yelling it all the damn time.
You ever have your knees crack so good that you expect them to glow in the dark.
Yeah, me too.
Kid: “Mom, there’s a dead possum in the yard.”
Me: “Let’s take a look.” [pokes possum with stick]
Possum: [pops up]
Me: Aaaaaahhhhh! [faints]
Possum: [starts poking me with a stick]
If I’m reading their lips correctly, my neighbors are arguing about some creepy guy next door.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the confidence of this woman at Starbucks who just pretended to have a dog so she could get a free cup of whipped cream.
I told my therapist I was afraid of spontaneously combusting, so she prescribed me an anti-inflammatory.
wife: did you change the baby?
me: no and i never will because i love him for who he is.
hmmm
Make new friends? bro out of what?
Brad Pitt and I had a handsome contest and the loser had to adopt a bunch of kids.