I like to test the waters by pushing people in.😁
You Might Also Like
You can get anything you want in life, if you have the right amount of charge on your taser.
Why is every haunted place a spooky old house or hotel? If a tragedy occurring at a location leads to a haunting, every Waffle House and bus station in the world would be teeming with spirits.
Sitting with 7 y/o in garden. “Let’s go outside” he says. He appears to be referring to a dimension I cannot see.
“Single use consumables are destroying the planet,” I yelled at her as I tossed another condom into the washing machine.
Hey! Welcome to Urban Outfitters. Are you a baby-sized woman or a woman-sized man?
Idk how we’re supposed to tell when bleu cheese has gone bad. It’s already bad. Do we just check on it periodically to see if it’s getting worse? Then one day say “this cheese is too worse” and toss it out?
This dude messaged me to tell me to just block the dudes that annoy me so I replied “good idea” and then blocked him and he was so right it felt so great
Welcome to parenting, your kids will never want to speak to you until you’re on the phone speaking to someone else.
Youngest cried because Tooth Fairy was in the house while we were sleeping and I can’t argue with her logic regarding intruders.
[marriage counseling]
Wife: I just wish he wasn’t so clingy
Husband: YOU KNEW I WAS A BARNACLE, LINDA
My boss used to call me “the computer”. Nothing to do with intelligence. I go to sleep if left unattended for 15 minutes.
my friends and all our dads listening to the laser tag employee give the instructions:
Apparently this was on a digital highway sign in Tennessee yesterday 😎
I recently took a pole
And found that 100% of the people in the tent were angry when it collapsed
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
Show me a parent who has given 2 choices for dinner & I’ll show you a kid who picks something that wasn’t even an option
Aliens: “Take us to your leader.”
Me: “I would wait.”
If your girl takes care of animals at the zoo treat her right cause she’s a keeper.
Tried to make jokes on this plane about the other passengers’ carryon bags, but they went over their heads
[Me on Shark Tank]
*shows the sharks a picture of their families tied up*
I’m looking for 100k for the safe return of your families
I had two ribs removed so I could pet small dogs easier.
[yelling to bartender in crowded nightclub] WHAT KIND OF CAPRI SUN FLAVORS DO YOU HAVE?
Welcome to adulthood. Your body now crackles like a carnival glow stick when you get up.
I don’t always cook dinner but when I do, I use every pan in the kitchen.
When your parents check you’re ok.
So all them black Harry Potter wizards just sat there and let slavery happen?
If you had to decide between being fat and rich or poor and skinny, what bridge would you sleep under?
sloth: *arriving at his prison cell*
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
Raising my baby pterodactyl has been a nightmare. “Don’t forget to pee in the toilet,” I’d say. “Do what in the toilet?” he’d respond.
A colleague has just been fired from work and someone else put their hand up and asked how it would affect the Secret Santa