I like to test the waters by pushing people in.š
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āItās a bird!ā
[Superman zooms down to inches away from the screaming guyās face]
S: Birds canāt go that fast Sean. What are you an idiot
Sick and tired of my bank account taking a hit whenever I buy stuff.
Me: Back to school tomorrow! Everyone ready?
14: Yeah, let me check if I have any homework.
Heās been off for 17 days.
Girl from my high school posted on Facebook that she got a āconstellation prizeā at a church carnival yesterday. She skipped school a lot.
Me: Iāll never get married again!
Husband:
MORGAN FREEMAN: Iām here to narrate your life
ME: cool!
[2 hrs later]
MF: heās still trying to figure out the childproof cap on his Tylenol
amazon: our prime deliveries may be delayed due to covid-19
me: thats okay *hits accept*
amazon [seconds later]: *package smashes through living room window*
friend: hey are you up for a blind date tomorrow night?
me: sure
friend: does 8 sound good?
me: nah thatās out of my league, better find me a 4
Me eating dark chocolate: Mmm healthy choice! This is basically a vegetable.
Got in a fight with my neighbor again because I tripped his breaker while using his outdoor Christmas lights as an extension cord for my outdoor Christmas lights.
My husband has blocked the sink!!!!
.
I knew I should have buried him in the garden!
āEverything the light touches is ours,ā I tell my son while opening the fridge.
establish dominance over your significant other by addressing birthday and valentineās day cards as āto whom it may concernā
[shitfaced at my HS reunion] Has anyone seen the lunch lady
I bet the worst part about kidnapping someone is knowing they are just sitting there in your trunk, judging your choice in music.
Some people are like 5yr olds, they shake heads in agreement, but you KNOW by the look in their eyes, they have no clue what you just said.
Advice tip for people: 1 stick hand in glue 2 stick hand in feather 3 now you are like bird. Impress your friend.
My wife has hidden my new lion tamer outfit because apparently Iām ājust being stupidā.
Well sheāll be the one who looks stupid once our new lion arrives.
Some of yāall tweet about Mondays like it caught you by surprise
HER: I love classic rock
ME: [trying to impress] Iāve been to the Grand Canyon
I canāt wait until my dog is old enough to pay his own way.
Freeloader.
A friend text me after the election to ask how I was doing. Now she says Iām mad at her because I havenāt answered, but Iām still typing.
did you know the official veterinary term for your cat eating something it shouldnāt is ādietary indiscretionā which absolutely sounds like a cat politician trying to downplay its irresponsible past
Now I find out my ground hands are actually called feet wtf is going on today
Free pizza at work got me like āFine, Iāll come back on Mondayā.
Me: *leads her to bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
Her: Nice
*4 rabbits jump out of a hat as a flower squirts water in her eye
Iām being forced to attend a family dinner tonight at a priestās houseā¦
Thereās no such thing as a surprise exorcism, right?
ME: my underwear is just two soft flour tortillas held together by electrical tape
INTERVIEWER [desperate]: ok and how about weaknesses
Customer Service: How does the name appear on your credit card?
Me: If i had to guess, Iād say itās 11 pt. Arial bold.
trying to convince my straight friends itās homophobic to not buy gay people presents during pride month