I like to test the waters by pushing people in.😁
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They should invent clothes that get fat with you
Sometimes my cat sneezes and I’m like “Oh no. You’re allergic to cats.”
*pencils in some “spontaneity time” on my schedule for this week*
I could win awards for having a bad memory.
In fact, I probably did. How would I know.
We don’t have any popcorn, so I’m just eating butter and salt.
To the boy who proposed to me in elementary school: can we talk about this once more?
“I need an answer to a question, but I’m not looking for the same old information from all the books and articles. I want the real truth.”
“I feel like your first mistake may have been coming to the building with all the books and articles.”
Kid: Can I eat candy for breakfast?
Me: No of course not! Now finish your donuts.
Why don’t furniture stores just tell us when they’re NOT having a huge sale?
I have an on again on again relationship with my couch.
I’m soirée for my mispronunciation of French words.
cop: got any drugs on you
me: nah
cop: how about in your car
me: well i wouldn’t be surprised [looks at car] it’s been acting funny lately
*my daughter sees multiple baskets of laundry by the washer, sighs and sets her basket down in front*
Me: All laundry will be washed in the order it is received. Thank you for holding.
The Snickerdoodle is the most sarcastic of the dog breeds
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
Mouthwash is too spicy!
*waters it down with Mayonnaise*
*at funeral*
ME: I know how you feel
FRIEND: Dont bring up the time you only got yel–
ME: One time I only got yellows in my Starburst pack
henry VIII found four more women to marry him after he cut his wife’s head off and i can’t get a txt back
War & Peace
The Honey Badger is my favourite animal that sounds like a really scary breakfast cereal.
Girl you got more red flags than a well played game of minesweeper
Me: I’ll have a medium coffee
Barista: That’ll be $3.95
Me: With a splash of almond milk
Barista: That’ll be $17.95
“911, what’s the emergency?”
we were robbed. they stole the wireless router
“calm down”
also they shot my grandma or something. not sure
Dunno how you Americans have the motivation and energy to pronounce the ‘y’ in ‘basil’ and ‘tomatoes’.
Dentist: “That’s the biggest cavity I’ve ever seen. That’s the biggest cavity I’ve ever seen.”
Patient: “I heard you the first time. You didn’t have to say it twice.”
Dentist: “I didn’t. That was my echo.”
We will all sleep a lot better if someone tells us the nuke passcode requires spelling.
Christmas decorating 101 – Puts fake snow on Halloween decorations
Your move Martha Stewart
MECHANIC: listen, I’m not sure if I can fix this
FRED FLINTSTONE: *cradling his broken legs*
yo LA chill out with your restaurant names
You can save a lot of money if you just steal everything