@sweetg35

I like to test the waters by pushing people in.

I like to test the waters by pushing people in.

- @sweetg35

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@SteveSuckington

“Why did u jump off that bridge?”

My friend did it too

“Well if your friend jumped off a bridge would u?”

Yes. I literally just said that

@carlyken

Friend apologizes for mess.
Friend has immaculate house.
Open her closet.
Out comes 78 books, a piano and a gentleman squirrel in a top hat.

@MavenofHonor

[when my crystal pendant starts glowing eerily] hold on, i’d better take this

@brianbowman73

I once tried to the Dirty Dancing lift with my cat but it turns out Mr. Mittens isn’t very strong.

@kelseydarragh

brain: go to gym
body: please, go to gym
spirit: GYM!!!!!!!!!!

me: I’m gunna go get pasta

@NewDadNotes

God: you’re an amphibian.

Frog: what does that mean?

God: it means you can breathe on land and in the water.

Frog: omg you mean I’m a mermaid?

God: no that’s not what I-

Frog: [whispers] I’m the littlest mermaid.

@Phook75

My wife has been in the bathroom for almost 25 minutes.
Im basically a single dad now

@CornOnTheGoblin

[tries a new move during sex to keep things interested]
wife: did you just dab

@justabloodygame

The first time God made the universe, he skipped leg day. All men were weeping creatures, who ended in bloody torsos and begged for death.

@dubstep4dads

[In the back of the car, imitating GPS voice] IN A HALF MILE, TAKE A SLIGHT RIGHT. ALSO PUT ERICS MIXTAPE BACK ON THAT WAS SO GOOD