Goldfish crackers are the best snack for teaching kids it’s ok to eat your pets.
You Might Also Like
[Starbucks]
“Yes, I’d like a venti skinny soy half-sweet one-pump caramel macchiato half-caff extra whip, please.”
Barista: Is Pepsi ok?
Netflix would be a great dating site. “Here are 20 other singles in your area who have also watched Shameless for 7 straight hours.”
oooh pretty wing tattoos on your back, do they symbolize how you have no idea how big wings need to be to carry your weight
Area 8-Year-Old Formally Rescinds Hunger Complaint Following Mother’s Insulting Banana Offer
If I refer to myself as, “sauced up,” it probably just means I have honey, BBQ and ranch to dip my nuggets in.
Thoughts and prayers for my 17 year old. Nothing’s wrong with her. She’s just mad that she has to put gas in her own car on a cold day.
Medical offices are like “download our patient portal where we’ll post your lab results then fax us your request for a username and password”
The main difference between barbers and land mine sweepers is that if the barber takes a off a foot or two, he’s having a GOOD day.
Friend w/o kids: I’m planning a meditation retreat next month.
Me: One of my kids has been shaking a metal tin full of coins FOR AN HOUR.
[1st night of a boyfriend sleeping over]
Me: I sleep with a sound machine, that ok?
Him: ya that’s fine!
*I reach over & hit a button. The part in Hey Ya where he repeats “alright alright alright alright” starts to play on a loop*
Me *snuggles covers up to chin*: night babe
necessity is the mother of invention
An apple a day keeps no one away unless you have meticulously good aim.
She said she was a cat person…
…but the way she reacted when I pushed her off the bed told a very different story.
😳😳😳☕️☕️☕️☕️🤪🤪
14: Wanna play a game?
12: Sure!
14: Do an impression of Mom
12: Oh that’s easy
14: WITHOUT SWEARING
12: Forget it.The end.
If you encounter a bear in the wilderness, sing a Coldplay song. You’ll die, but the bear will suffer too.
Dating tip: don’t mention your time as a Boy Scout, let your sash full of badges do the talkin.
5yo: I know what the middle finger means.
Me: What?
5yo: It’s bad.
Me: It’s alright. You can say it.
5yo: It means you want to fight god.
I just sneezed and made direct eye contact with my dog and we somehow didn’t switch bodies wtf disney??
Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
Saw a young couple holding hands today & it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka
Don’t be fooled – orca whales are just penguins set to widescreen 16:9 instead of the usual 4:3.
Her: I’m a sapiophile
Me: I don’t know what that is
Her: it’s being attracted to intelligence
Me: totally I am a sap… sapial… me too
Someone at work sent an email that said “happy Monday” so I’m going to HR.
Them: Have you tried dieting?
Me: Have you ever tried pizza?
New mom: any advice?
Mom 1: sleep when the baby sleeps
Mom 2: eat when the baby eats
Me (who has no children): check your email when the baby checks their email
therapists should give you a discount if you make them laugh in session
Inventing croutons:
What if rocks were bread