I like to test the waters by pushing people in.
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[flashback to 1st date]
*cuts round hole in bottom of popcorn
Me: Popcorn?
Her: No thanks.
(Mom reaches from row behind)
“I’ll have some.”
The first Ron is always Ron. Any Rons who come after are automatically MoreRons. I don’t know why HR sees it otherwise.
Wife: I made you an appt. with the eye doctor
Me: [spreading cream cheese onto Destiny’s Child CD] MY EYES ARE FINE
If you only see one raccoon getting a marriage proposal today, make it this one.
You think your wife is crazy now?
Try divorcing her
There are no mistakes, only learning opportunities.
***UPDATE***
Do not tell your kids they were learning opportunities.
[bakery]
Robber: Give me all of your bread
Baker: *starts emptying the register*
Robber: Oh yeah, good idea, give me all your money too
If there’s one thing that makes me want to throw up, it’s a dartboard on the ceiling.
Kinda miss the Jane Austen era where a man is driven mad by a woman’s hand being ungloved & yet oblivious to her heaving bosom falling out.
My therapist told me that constantly fantasising about living off grid in a woodland cottage that doubles as a library that triples as an animal rescue centre, is actually a coping mechanism & a sign of exhaustion.
To which I say, well imaginary you is no longer invited
I’m gonna nail horseshoes on my nikes and gallop behind joggers
Waving my hand impatiently in front of the automatic door sensor so everyone knows I am too important to wait for electricity.
I only eat wild caught salmon because I like to know the fishermen had a good time
I used to play computer games for three hours a day, but that was before I had a job. Now I can afford twice as many computer games.
Your baby’s cute. Not baby elephant cute, but still cute.
I want that job where I push scared skydivers out of planes.
[HIGH SCHOOL]
teacher: you’ll use calculus one day
[AGE 40]
me: *standing on textbook to get twinkies from high shelf* whoa how did she know
wife: don’t eat that, u know it won’t agree with u
me: yes it will
taco: no I won’t
“I need to buy a book for school before tomorrow.”
~ Kids, at 10pm Sunday night
The genie sang that whole song about how he’s gonna be Aladdin’s best friend ever right in front of the monkey
[first date]
HER: So, do you like children?
ME: Oh sure, I’ll eat anything.
HER: What?
ME: What?
It’s only a murder of crows if there’s probable caws
Me: What are my choices again?
Pollster: Donald Trump…
Me: Or?
Pollster: Puppymonkeybaby.
Me: …
Pollster: Well?
Me: I’m thinking.
I just found out it only costs about $100 to change your name!!!
Say hello to Ninja Firequeef!
Hey kids, remember the feeling you got when you cleaned your room without being asked and no one noticed? That’s what adulthood’s like.
DATE: So tell me about yourself
ME: My brain sturdy like large oak table
DATE: Ok
I wonder if Spiderman and Batman ever fight over who gets to eat the best bugs.
Five little monkeys jumping on the bed,
One fell down and bumped his head,
Mama called the doctor and the doctor said,
Start a GoFundMe or else he’s dead
Imagine us having sex..
Wrong, more lasagna.
if I were a pediatrician I’d break the ice with new patients by having the receptionist call my phone 3 minutes into the appointment and saying “look, Mrs Johnson, I run a busy practice- for the last time NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”