I like to think I didn’t lose a girlfriend, instead I gained an enemy.
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If my cats are going to insist upon me getting up early they’re gonna have to learn how to make coffee
The irony of being a horse is you could lift weights all day and you will still only have 1 horsepower
A baby was born laughing really hard with it’s fists closed! The confused Doctor unfolded it’s tiny fingers, & found a birth control pill.
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
Some women can shave their heads and look like goddesses. If I shaved my head, I would look like roll-on deodorant.
My thoughts are as pure as snow… after the trucks have driven hard and plowed through it.
[flicks cigarette out window]
submarine captain: you fool!
roman soldier: “jesus has been crucified as instructed”
emperor: “he is dead?”
roman soldier: “yes my liege”
[3 days later]
emperor: “dave, can i have a word?”
[Being chased by killer]
Me: *Frantically tries to finish my Amazon order*
Million dollar idea: Orange Tupperware for spaghetti sauce.
I have a friend who’s band is playing this weekend. He said the doors open at 7 but I’m pretty sure Jim Morrison is dead.
I can turn a case of beer into a drunk man. Your move, Jesus.
[gestures to the parents of a crying baby] shhhh, please. my foot’s asleep
The closest I’ve ever come to being a ‘hunter and gatherer’ is opening my own pistachios.
*maintains eye contact while slowly putting in ear buds as you’re talking to me*
Dear People who like me,
I appreciate every single two of you.
No one loses an argument when they’re carrying a chain saw.
Work tip: if you’re going to ask your boss if you can “work from home”, don’t use air quotes.
RT if you could go either way.
So far my favorite part about being pregnant is telling people I’m not pregnant when they ask when I’m due.
[me narrating a documentary about narrators]
“I can’t hear what they’re saying cuz I’m talking”
Shhh, turn out the lights and hide. My feelings are knocking on the door.
Breaking News:
I did 3/16th of a complete push-up
CNN: President Obama Saves The Life Of A Choking Child.
FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working EMS Workers.
Me: If I drink 4 bottles of wine in 6 days, then am I an alcoholic?
7yo: This doesn’t feel like a second grade math question.
Currently binge watching old eclipses to get caught up for tomorrow.
6: Dad, what’s the biggest thing in the world?
Me: Uh
6: Nevermind, Siri…
Current anger level: I am last-beer-in-the-fridge-turns-out-to-be-a-soy-sauce-bottle angry.