I like to think I didn’t lose a girlfriend, instead I gained an enemy.
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What idiot called it removing a curse and not a hexagon?
Why do kids always want to grow up to be astronauts or doctors or racing drivers or football players, but never quiz show hosts. They literally get paid for asking questions. Surely there’s some transferable skills there.
Saw a friend I haven’t seen in over 20 years tonight. She asked if I had any pics of my kids. You don’t realize how many pics of Harry Styles, Louis Tomlinson & dogs you have until someone is hovering over you. The scrolling I had to do to get to pics of my real children. 🤦🏼♀️
Looking for a man who wants to wear matching Cheetos pants with me. No weirdos.
Me: *buying a pair of socks and a pack of gum*
Kohl’s cashier: You saved $439 today.
My daughter [air quotes] camped outside the house with 7 of her friends last night.
*ran an extension cord from the house to charge their phones and had uber eats delivered in the backyard directly to their tents.
Tartar, the sauce so nice they named it twice.
Me: I can’t believe you read horoscopes, such garbage.
Her: You’re right. When are you shaving again?
Me: Not til after the playoffs..why?
Pretty unfair how gargoyles just monopolized rooftop perches.
-watches two minutes of the news
-locks kids in their rooms forever
Idk what’s worse about today’s meeting, nearly falling asleep on camera or realizing 3/4 of the way through that I had a pimple patch on my face 😂🤦🏼♀️
We got our carpet cleaned today, so I’m just waiting for the dog to throw up
hypnotist: next time you smoke, youll taste something disgusting
me: disgusting as in gross or as in morally wrong
hypnotist: idk whatever
[later]
me: *spitting out cigarette* insulin costs HOW much
Hell hath no fury like a toddler getting his nose wiped
Haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching a priest use a crucifix to break up a fight between a raccoon & a telephone repairman?
I blame movies for giving me unrealistic expectations about how long I can look away from the road while driving.
I wish my hair had as much volume as my mouth.
ME: *trying to highlight text*
WORD: and the last letter of previous word?
ME: no, why? just follow my cursor
WORD: ok so just half this word?
ME: the whole word
WORD: k
ME: wtf
WORD: oops
ME: the word is gone
WORD: the word is gone
My best acting work to date? has 2 be yesterday when I realized I was walking the wrong direction so I pretended to get a text message that changed EVERYTHING and FORCED me to turn around and walk the other way.
Forget carrying me to bed; carry me to the end of the workweek. Then we can talk
I’m sorry, we can’t hire you. But your background check was hilarious.
Cobra Kai: sweep the leg!
Cobra: the what
“Have you tried drinking more water?”
is the new
“Have you tried turning your computer off and turning it back on again?”
of health advice.
I wish I was born in a year ending in zero so it’d be easier to remember how old I am. Thanks for following.
I wash my whites separately but what do I do with the shirt I was wearing while eating spaghetti.
Establish dominance over old people by yelling BINGO when you don’t really have it
Science in 140. Carbon. A nonmetallic, tetravalent element which forms the basis of all known life, the result of unprotected carbon dating.
Happiness is a warm puppy.
The opposite of happiness is a warm public toilet seat.
I thrive on chaos!
*breaks spaghetti noodles in half*
I let my toddler play with my phone today so now everything is in Spanish and I have 273 pictures of her left hand