COME ON KRUSE #fencing
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Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: Sexy nurse!
H: Meet me in the bedroom.
[10 minutes later]
*we both come in wearing nurse costumes*
M: Uh.
My EarPods died 5 minutes into my walk so I’m going home to watch TV. It was a sign. Exercise is stupid.
Imagine a world without Queen. We’d have no idea who the champions are
TV INTERVIEWER: As if the wedding wasn’t surprising enough, you then eschew the tradition of one spouse taking the other’s name. Instead, you chose to combine your surnames. Any regrets?
BENEDICT AND ENGELBERT CUMBERBUMPERDINCK: Absolutely not
Drank two Monster Energy drinks and started my car by screaming at it.
Friend: Pics or it didn’t happen
Picasso: Here
Friend: Ok, that doesn’t actually clear anything up
[Me as a hairdresser]
ME: What do u think of your haircutHER: I need more volume
ME [leans in too close] WHAT DO U THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT
Jay Z and Beyonce had a 4 million dollar dinner with Obama…. Wtf did they eat? Fresh dinosaur?
My doctor told me I have acute appendicitis and I said “Compared to who!?”
Candlesticks, for when you want to be stylish but also might need a murder weapon.
Vader: Remove my helmet so I can see you with my own eyes.
Luke: OK.
Vader: On second thought, don’t. I have 30 years worth of hat hair.
National Donut Day is like The Purge for delicious, round pastries.
When ever a girl wears a shirt saying ‘I Woke Up Like This’ I resist the urge to say I’m sorry about that.
So my kid secretly recorded me driving and singing and put it on social media if you needed to know how important birth control is today.
I never realized how short a month is until I started paying rent
If you subtract all the sex robots those NASA nerds built, the moon landing only cost like eighty dollars.
There aren’t enough love songs about the moment you see your luggage appear at baggage claim.
The problem with hiding snacks from my kid is that when I forget they end up being hidden from me too
Two years ago I became a proud father. My son is 6, but he was kinda lame those first four years.
“Be strong” I whisper to my coffee.
Doctor told me I need glasses. So I’m having several tonite.
[dog park meeting]
dog: we have confirmed reports that they’re hiding pills from us…
[low growls]
dog: IN THE CHEESE
[outraged barking]
PEOPLE WITH CHRONICALLY MOIST HANDS:
When you have dry lips, rub them on your palms.
I call it Lip palm.
It’s free.
When you love bacon, but you also love your pet pig:
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
If you like piña coladas and getting caught in the rain, that’s fine but your piña colada is going to get watered down.
cop: *knocks on my car window*
me: sorry is the music too loud
cop: yes
me: *sets down bagpipes*
“Is that a banana in your pocket or…a dead banana?” -Schrödinger
[2050, Quarantine Simulator: Day 4]
Test Patient: i don’t know what the big deal is. could do this forever.
Doctor, into lapel: introduce children to simulation.
[34 mins. later]
Test Patient: *banging on two-way mirror*
Doctor: every time.