Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Whenever I see a bruise on a banana my first thought is pity, but then I think it probably deserved it because I slipped on a peel once.

me: yo lemme get somma those THYIICC fries

kfc: you mean potato wedges?

me: yes potato wedges please

Contactless food delivery be like, what if ding dong ditch had a happy ending?

My 4yo is crying because she has outgrown her clothes during quarantine.

Same girl, same.

My spouse claims to be a good driver, but there’s no way the dog got all these tickets

“I gave that guys wife a pearl necklace”

-Oysters

Area 8-Year-Old Formally Rescinds Hunger Complaint Following Mother’s Insulting Banana Offer

i wish there was a way to online shoplift 🙁

I’m just a girl, with a baseball bat, smashing my internet modem into a gazillion pieces.

i want a small, tasteful wedding. no family. no friends. no groom. just me eating a big cake

Difference between stoners and drunks are ..5 drunk will start a fight…5 stoners will start a band

If you leave your dog tied up outside a corner store I’m walking it. No need to ask. Be back soon.

Doc: So, how did you injure your rotator cuff?

Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet:
TENNIS

My favorite way to mop the bathroom floor is to give the kids a bath.

The walls, too.

Yup, and ceiling.

MOM: finish your dinner

SON: I can’t eat anymore, I’m full

MOM: hi full, I’m mom

DAD: *drops an entire steak onto his khakis*

“Two roads diverged in a wood, and I?

I took a nap until I finally heard a car coming.”

FBI AGENT: You’ll be put into witness protection
ME: Can I be someone that has friends?
FBI AGENT: No, it has to be believable.

My wife is terrified of thunderstorms. The banging outside the window is horrendous, but if we let her in she’ll just get the dog all wet.

sex work? uh yeah, I sure hope it does

Sasquatch: *to tv camera* Tonight we will try a human call and hope for a response. *clears throat* 🎵Sweet Caroline🎵

From a distance: 🎵Bah bah bah🎵

Sasquatch: You heard that! It was a human!

Camera Sasquatch: I don’t know. Could be a bird.

Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward

What a sturdy clavicle you have.

I forgot my phone…
2005: I don’t need to be that accessible
2010: Let’s make this a short trip
2015: OH MY GOD, WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE

me [after tossing your baby a piece of cheese] A dog would have caught it

Our 4yo played Among Us with her brother over break and on the way to school this morning she told me she can’t wait to call emergency meetings and tell everyone she’s the impostor and then kill someone in the cafeteria. So yeah, I’m feeling REAL proud of my parenting choices.

The person who invented autocorrect should burn in hello.

me: thanks for the little cup of mountain dew

nurse: what mountain dew

me: it was on the bathroom counter

nurse: omg

me: what

nurse: u drank my mountain dew

I hate showing my baby pictures because everyone says “you were so cute” but there’s always the unspoken but implied “what happened”

Stephen King: what if there was an *evil* clown

Mary Shelley: what if a corpse came to life

Edgar Allan Poe: oh no a bird!!!

One of the things that always makes me laugh about this place is how any time I say “I’m trying to use self-control” people always respond back with “No! Do it! Do iiiiiitttt!” *laughing hard*

had the person who invented the bicycle seat never actually experienced sitting down before