“I like to think I trained the toilet. It didn’t teach me anything”
You Might Also Like
Does anybody know the long term exit strategy for the clapping thing?
what scared me at age 8:
-quicksand
-snakes
-boat scene from willy wonkawhat scares me now:
-dying alone
-boat scene from willy wonka
Seriously, if you hacked Trump’s account and wanted to make him look bad, WHAT THE HELL WOULD YOU EVEN TWEET.
HER: I’ve missed you so badly.
ME: *pulls hatchet from wall* thank god!
The airport is a lawless place. 7am? Drink a beer. Tired? Sleep on the floor. Hungry? Chips now cost $17
[Barber gets out a small mirror to show an owl the back of its head]
Owl: No I got it *rotates*
Owl: Wait where’d it- *rotates*
Owl: Ok help
One thing they don’t tell you is, as a parent, your chances of dying by a T-Rex are greater than zero
ME: A man stole my phone and rode away on a horse
COP: Ok [opens notebook] can you give a description?
ME: It’s like a big, fast dog
All this construction in my area makes me realize how many weapons are just randomly lying around.
When I can’t barge, I careen.
Alright hear me out: gigs in the morning. 8am doors, 9am showtime. Coffee at the bar. Church shouldn’t get to corner the market on morning entertainment anymore.
*ransom note on gun*
[1 million dollars by Friday or I shoot your daughter. No exceptions]
[ps please mail gun back it’s my only one]
“Over my dead body” doesn’t mean “no.” It means I get to do what I want and as a bonus I get to kill you.
What do you call a priest that graduated from law school
Father in Law
I shed so much hair, I couldn’t commit a perfect murder if I tried.
I have an inferiority complex about my superiority complex.
I know I’m better than you, but I feel really bad about it.
If you mean sleeping, then yes, I’m pretty freakin’ amazing in bed.
You know the best side effect of losing weight? Supersonic hearing. I can hear the crinkle of a candy wrapper or bag of chips through walls.
[texting]
HotGirl: Help me ace the Periodic Table test tomorrow?
Nerd: Selenium Neodymium Neon Tungsten Darmstadtium
HG: ?
N: SeNd NeWDs
The guy that said laughter is the best medicine obviously wasn’t suffering from diarrhea
Hell hath no fury like a little league team when a parent forgets the after-game snack.
contractor: I finished installing the secret entrances, death ray, and crocodile moat. all that is left is the payment
super villain: no
contractor: right, should’ve seen that coming
if youre a healthy young male or female with blood type O, please consider donating a kidney to me. my goal is 22 kidney ‘s
A Citizen’s Arrest for the next person who asks me if I’m ready for Christmas.
*Chicken strips*
Me: *blushes*
I don’t friendzone people. I relationshipzone them. Want to be friends? Too bad we are dating.
Let’s be honest, you don’t ”watch” tv, you use it as a backround echo creating machine like the rest of us
Why is it always “I see you drank all the beer today!” instead of, “Oh, honey, that was so sweet of you to help clean out the refrigerator.”
I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket, so it looks like someone is buying name brand aluminum foil this week.