I like to think I’m a nice guy, but I will throat punch anyone who tries to beat me to the buffet table. Sorry gram gram, but them’s the rules.
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To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before They Decided I’m A “Good Friend”
What idiot called it a pharmacy and not a “coughy shop”
Okay me first
Girlfriend: I read an article that it’s possible for a woman to carry a goat embryo to full-term
Me: Don’t kid yourself
first person to peel a carrot: this needs to be slightly smaller
Cop: So, I’m writing a ticket for driving alone in the car pool lane.
Me: You’re going to feel really stupid when you look in my trunk.
I had a client Zoom in for Court, smoking a cigarette and beer in hand, slurring words.
Words I never thought I’d hear a judge say: “You’re in court right now. Quit smoking. Put that beer down.”
Once it’s in the oven I don’t really care why the chicken crossed the road.
*Three fingers stuck in my piggy bank
Firefighters: I’m not sure this is what they meant by stimulating the economy
I’ll totally stroke your ego while you’re replacing my windshield wipers for me ’cause I’m nice like that
There should be an “oh my god, shut up already” button.
women at the gym use every other treadmill like men do urinals
Effort made
Interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
Me: probably that I’m easily intimidated by others
I: and your greatest strength?
Me: lulling others into a false sense of superiority
Tried to save some money by getting Halloween candy at Aldi. I hope kids like Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
If you bake, you’re a baker.
If you bake a baker, you’re a murderer.
I let soap touch his cast iron frying pan yesterday, so can I sleep on someone’s couch for a while?
DOG: Then he said “Who’s a good boy?”
DOG THERAPIST: *nodding* You are of course
DOG: *wagging tail* I KNOW BUT WHY DOES HE KEEP ASKING?
How do I tell my husband I only like him as a friend without it getting weird
Body by sandwich.
The most disappointing moment of my adult life was when I found out a vaporizer is an e-cigarette and not a death ray that vaporizes people.
Once, when I was drunk, I threw a fan out of my bedroom window because it wouldn’t turn on.
Guess I should of plugged it in first to see why.
“We are going to Taiwan”
Juan: No, please don’t!
I hate people who are like “drunk words are sober thoughts”.
Drunk me has called 911 because she was “dying from lack of attention”, she can’t be trusted
8: Can we have peanut butter sandwiches?
Me: No peanut butter allowed in the house. Daddy is allergic to peanuts
8: Can we buy some after he dies?
Me: Sure
Yankee Doodle went to town riding on a pony; he stuck a feather in his hat, and called it macaroni… That folks, is what drugs do to you.
I just tried to start a camp fire and boy did my parents over estimate my skills to burn the house down
Apparently my son “looks like daddy” when he’s wearing half of his food
hello, this is your hindsight talking, that is a very bad idea, don’t do that
My best acting work to date? has 2 be yesterday when I realized I was walking the wrong direction so I pretended to get a text message that changed EVERYTHING and FORCED me to turn around and walk the other way.