Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The older I get, the less ‘life in prison’ becomes a deterrent.

Me: “Can I leave work half an hour early?”

Boss: “Only if you make up the time.”

“OK. It’s 35 past 50.”

Boss: “Just go..”

I drank so much Mt. Dew my taste buds turned into tase bros.

[at the store]

Me: Your powers are weak, old man
Wife: …
Me: The force is strong with this one
Wife: …
Me: Together we can rule the galaxy
Wife: …
Me: Luuuuuuuke, I am your father
Wife: Can you just pick out a damn fan already?

A woman drives into a bar.

They must have gotten it to go.

I wonder if dogs get embarrassed when they have to stand that way and shit in front of everybody. I know I do.

Me: Pfft.. There is scientific evidence that a woman’s brain is lighter than a man’s.

Her: Perhaps because it gets more exercise.

Don’t let fear stop you from living.
Zombies will take care of that.

My neighbors with the fireworks would apparently like to wish everyone a happy July 7th.

“Don’t judge a book by its cover” is the worst advice ever.

That’s literally where title is. And the description. All the information about the book besides the actual story is ON THE COVER.

It’s wildly known that all the great artists of the renaissance era loved eating pizza in sewers.

My IQ score says I’m intelligent. My dating history disagrees.

‘THERE IS NO SHOUTING ON THE BUS!’ she shouted.

People who argue on their cell phones in public should have to do it on speakerphone so the rest of us can get both sides

“I had the worst Cruise ever.” – Katie Holmes

We need to invent a rectangular fruit now that the banana is no longer an accurate representation of the phone-shape. Lotta my bits don’t make sense anymore.

I successfully predicted all my different cousin’s pregnancies before they announced it simply from observing them not drinking at family parties, which made me realize that my family are a bunch of goddamn drunks

Guys who resent their friends for not sharing their hair products are gel less.

My kids would rather hide a plate in the most obscure, hard to reach places in our home just so they don’t have to take a 5 second walk and return it to our kitchen.

90s scientists: we cloned a sheep. we landed a robot on mars.
Scientists today: for the last time, the earth is round.

The best defense against auto theft is not The Club. It’s 65 empty water bottles in the back seat and a rear window full of stuffed animals.

1818: My dearest Katherine, I write this letter in the hope that it finds you. It has been 3 fortnights since our last correspondence. I fear the lack of communique means you may have finally succumbed to the pox…

2018: Bro i texted u 10 mins ago u ded?

[seeing anyone after googling something you didn’t know five minutes ago]: hello you ignorant piece of shit

Friend: Your makeup looks nice.
Me: Thanks. I went to a wedding last weekend.

My kid: mumma today we met our teacher’s teacher. Our grand-teacher.

There’s absolutely no way Lady Gaga was born with half an Office Depot hot-glued to her head.

Want to play doctor? You be the patient, I be the lobotomist.