Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Accidentally cut down a telephone pole for firewood again

*tip toes out front door*
*wife texts me from China*

“Where you going?”

an ear doctor’s practice called “hear, here” somebody write that down

true crime documentaries are like “nobody suspected the husband until they found the life insurance policy”

I am convinced Americans are required by law to watch football. Ain’t no way this many people watch it all day long by choice

I think much faster than I speak, so anything you hear me say is probably from a couple years ago or so.

Treat your woman like a princess. Spice up your relationship & have her kidnapped. Then do mushrooms & swim through the sewers to find her.

My dad would freak tf out!🤣💀

Therapist: ‘Sarcasm will get you nowhere.’

Me: ‘Actually, it got me to the National Sarcasm Championship game in Las Vegas back in 98.’

Therapist: ‘Really?’

Me: ‘No.’

Im telling you. If you turn around for even one second, your toddler will take a swig of your wine.

“WHAT IS IT? WHAT IS GOING ON? IS THAT RAIN? OH GOD I WISH I HAD EYES” – Worms

[going to bed]

Wife: I don’t have to get up so don’t wake me in the morning.
Me: Okay.

[5 AM the next morning]

Me [waking wife up]: Hey I forget what you told me to do today.

Police Officer: ”Have you been drinking?”

Me: ”Yes!”

Police Officer: ”Step out of the car!”

Me: ”Why? You don’t believe me?”

Why do they even bother calling him 007, when the first thing he does is introduce himself using his REAL NAME?

Me: okay I have pizza, wings, nacho dip, mozza…

Him: hell yes, Super Bowl Sunday!

Me *mouth full of food*: uper ol wat?

Mayonnaise is basically sandwich moisturizer.

[ At the ball ]

Prince Charming: are you ok Cinderella?

Cinderella: no, my stomach is upset. I think I need to go to the bathroom.

Prince Charmin: I’ll take it from here, bro

Can’t tell if they’re hitting on me here?

Forget waterboarding, just put a cold hand on my belly and I’ll tell you anything you want to know.

Kid: Mommy what time is it?
Me{Showering}: Go look at the clock
*Kid walks past daddy
*Looks at clock
*Walks back past daddy
Kid: Theres a 2 & a 9 & a 8
Me: Which is first?
*Kid walks past daddy
*Looks at clock
Kid: Now theres 2 nines
Me: It’s 9:..
Kid: WAIT LET ME CHECK AGAIN!

I like to keep my New Year’s goals simple and attainable so this year I have resolved to neither fly in a hydrogen-filled dirigible nor to become an ordained rabbi. I’m placing my chances of success at just north of 62.5%.

this post was so formative to me

[The shark attack sketch]

Him: I’m terrified of being attacked by a shark.
Her: You’re so dumb. The chances of that happening are less than one in three million. Lol.

[fin]

I get you, container ship stuck in the Suez.

I can’t fit into most things I used to anymore, either.

INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for someone who is good with people

ME: *grabbing my stuff* Good luck with your search

How to resolve a complaint from neighbours

me: the most exercise I get is from sex

friend: but you’re so out of shape

[When my kids have ignored my text for 2 hours]

Me: I would appreciate a reply, please.

[When I have ignored my kids’ texts for more than 5 seconds]

Kids:
hello??
??
??
???
pls
plss
wya
??
???
BRO

My life is a lot like taking a road trip with kids, but it’s just me pestering the universe with:

“Am I there yet?”
“I want snacks”
“WHEN WILL WE GET THERE?!?”
“I have to pee again”

Just seductively flipped my hair to the side and a partially eaten chocolate Santa fell out.