I like to think I’m in charge but then one sad look from my child finds me gently disposing of a dead yard mouse in a nice bag on a carefully arranged bed of leaves
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The camera adds like 10-15 crooked teeth.
-Steve Buscemi
i’ll never forget what my Grandad said to me just before he kicked the bucket
“Grandson…
how far do you think I can kick this bucket?”
Back-to-school tip for parents: while not explicitly forbidden, it is frowned upon to spray champagne on the hood of a departing school bus.
Throw away an avocado skin?
In this economy?*makes avocado skin suits.
*sells them on Etsy.
ME: I got you a therapy cat
WIFE: THAT’S A LION!
ME: I wouldn’t yell around Roarschach
“Having sex for money is bad because it is counterfeiting feelings” wow dude, I have bad news about every other customer service job ever
Guy at the Supermarket: Excuse me sir, do you want to donate to Diabetes?
Me: No, thank you. I’m opposed to Diabetes.
I made my wife sign a prenup because there was no way I was going to let her take half of my golden girls memorabilia collection.
Nine out of ten doctors agree that dying is bad for your health. The other doctor is clad in a dark robe and carrying a scythe.
All the good Liam Neeson jokes are Taken.
FRIEND: do you know the baby’s sex
ME [covering pregnant wife’s ears]: ew no gross what kind of position is that
“Plane” kicks off a series of movies named by little boys pointing at things. Watch out for “Truck” in 2024 and “Doggie” in 2025.
Grilled cheese is named after its creator, Grilliam Cheeseford Jr.
📂Years
└📁 2022
└📁 Good stuff
└⚠️ This folder is empty
When Dorothy told the scarecrow she’d miss him most, I wanted the lion and tin man to set him on fire. I told my parents that, in case they got any ideas about showing favoritism.
thinking about that time they found a cat sleeping with a baby who’d been abandoned in a box in the cold and everyone was like “omg the cat saved the baby 🥺” but like…I’m prettyyyyy sure the cat was just there for the box
Why is it called a corn maze, when we could just call it a maize?
*office*
Me:…
Coworker:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:*puts headphones on*
CW: Hey just sent you an email
Social media has shown us why there are directions on shampoo.
Within every clean home is a room with a closed door containing a large pile of miscellaneous shit that someone just tossed in there.
Me, twenty minutes after the edible kicks in:
I don’t think Donkey Kong was even a donkey
When it comes to eating sandwiches, I am the anticrust.
here we go again
[on stage]
me: *takes a bow* thank you
Violinist: hey, I need that
Still thinking about the woman on the train I once saw wearing a lanyard that said “Sarah Hunter” and wondering how many Sarahs have died at her hands.
My wife is out of town so I learned how to do laundry who knew clothes didn’t fold themselves?!?
18: I’m going to ask the stylist what color screams parental issues.
Me: …
Saw a tweet about foods to help your sex life.
I need sex to help my sex life, not food.