Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What did the teddy bear eat for dinner?

Nothing. He was STUFFED!

me: i love sleepovers

doctor: this isn’t a sleepover, you’re in the hospital

me: then why do I have this nightgown

doctor: that’s a hospital gown

me: truth or dare

doctor:

me:

doctor: dare

my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard / their like, is this organic? do u hav a vegan option? can u make it with froyo insted

My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.

I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.

I just bought a beautiful 18th century bowl.

It even has a little sign on the bottom that says dishwasher safe.

Canadian cattle can now legally
graze on cannabis plants.

The steaks have never been higher.

If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately

Rules for being a good neighbor:
1. MIND YOUR OWN GODDAMN BUSINESS
2. Don’t forget rule number one.

“Quit” is not in my vocabulary but “resign”, “drop out”, and “give up” are.

Have you ever been driving on a highway and afraid to exit the off ramp because it’s a sharp turn and the roads are full of snow so you just keep going until you hit Florida?

Can’t believe my daughter said I was embarrassing her by trying to be cool. She needs to check the tude & stop being so wiggity wiggity wack

Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”

“you attract what you fear” ahhhhh a healthy relationship ahhhhh

trainer: how long can you plank?

me: I pretty much planked after high school tbh

canning is fun because if you get all the steps exactly right you get to eat very old cucumbers and if you get the steps even the littlest bit wrong you get to die of botulism

I think a funny idea would be if our telescopes become more and more powerful, but human space travel remains unsolvable, & all the other races in the galaxy encounter the same problem. So we just become a bunch of guys looking into each other’s houses. An intergalactic Next Door

If you ever want your kids to communicate with you, just make sure you’re talking to someone else on the phone.

sure I’ll interpret that dream for you, it’s about hydration, they’re all about hydration. why else would you be driving a bus full of chickens.

Jurassic park gets weird

“And then we’ll have the throat hole open up and a rectangle candy will drop from it. Kids will love it.” ~ Inventors of Pez dispensers.

WARNING: Local youths in the park are claiming to be tax inspectors & are issuing fines for €70 in “gullibility tax”. DO NOT PAY. Turns out there’s no such tax. When you go back to confront them, they say they can’t do refunds without a tax receipt. THEY NEVER GAVE ME A RECEIPT

Imagine being the first Robert called Bobby, they were probably like, ‘wtf did you just call me?’

*driving my date to the ER*

I told you my possum doesn’t like direct eye contact. This one is on you.

According to this Ancestry DNA test, I’m 40% caveman. Thanks, Flintstones vitamins.

My cuz stole some money, landed in jail, wanted to fight everyone and threatened to shoot people, so that was the end of our Monopoly game.

My life is like Monopoly: sometimes I’m the racecar, sometimes I’m the iron.
But usually I’m a peanut because I’ve lost all the game pieces.

the avengers: “the city is saved”

the city:

[music store]

me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar

him: sir, that’s a mandolin

Life is ruff.
-anonymous dog

My debt forgiveness plan is simple: I have hidden five golden tickets in chocolate bars around the world. The lucky children that find the bars can use the tickets to pay tuition fees if they pass a series of simple tests during a visit to my candy factory