I like to think I’m in charge but then one sad look from my child finds me gently disposing of a dead yard mouse in a nice bag on a carefully arranged bed of leaves
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me: I’m not feeling well
doctor: take your glove off
Great way to make friends is to pee in the same urinal someone else is already using.
Good vacation so far, aside from the faceless man telling us “You will never leave this island.”
The human body is incredible. Right now, if I so desired, I could do 15 percent of a backflip and wreck my shit right here on the sidewalk.
therapists should give you a discount if you make them laugh in session
I once taught an 8 am college class. So many grandparents died that semester. I then moved my class to 3 pm. No more deaths. And that, my friends, is how I save lives.
It’s funny how humans are so picky about sex partners and dogs are all, “that smells about right”
A thick layer of mayonnaise on all your furniture will remove water rings from wood and unwanted guests from your house.
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
A treadmill minute is three times as long as an alarm clock snooze minute.
*Gets on plane*
*Takes out earbuds*
*Untangles earbuds*
*Plane lands*
If your wife says “what would you do without me?”
“Live happily ever after” is NOT the correct answer.Brrrr it’s cold in this doghouse 🙁
When your pet is staring at you, it’s probably thinking “I wonder how long those things live.”
No, I don’t wish to see “offensive replies”
what is this, a family reunion?!
“We’re all in this together” used to sound comforting — until I realized it means I’m relying on a lot of stupid Americans to stay alive.
Dear 6-year-old me: As an adult you won’t need to know cursive but you will need an ability to type with your thumbs. The future is weird.
HOT LOCAL SINGLES WANT TO MEET YOU SO THEIR FELONIOUS BOYFRIENDS CAN STEAL YOUR I-PHONE
The chips I’m eating are labeled “Harvest Cheddar,” a name which is forcing me to reconsider what I thought I knew about cheese production
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and i ate them because im a velociraptor disguised as a milkshake vendor lol owned
AND ANOTHER THING, is a person in a casket a hot dog, sandwich or ravioli?
Wife: [watching the news] oh God, did you see Petsmart got robbed?!
Me: [loud barks coming from all 19 pockets of my parachute pants] nope
Expect the unexporcupine.
Date: “so, tell me a bit about yourself”
Me: “NICE TRY, FEDS”
It’s getting harder and harder to watch teen shows and movies and not side with the parents
“The 59th rule of Fight Club is, we cant park in the lot on Vermont anymore – The owner is being a jerk. Just find street parking. 60th…”
my ex never cleaned the coffee filter basket. it was grounds for divorce . folks,,
The amount of time you spend cleaning your house before a friend comes over is inversely proportional to the quality of that friendship.
me: i’m a writer
them: oh! what do you write?
me: mostly emails
*manager storms backstage* Kandi, your twerk looks like the first signs of Parkinson’s. Foxxxy, you couldn’t get a Werther’s Original hard.
I should have used more oils to get this off easier..
I’m trying to jerk it off but it won’t come.
Honey, dinner is stuck to the pan.