I like to think I’m smart
Then I miss the chair I just moved into place and end up sitting on the ground
You Might Also Like
Gatsby: *pouring wine* After all, they DO call me the Grape Gatsby
Daisy Buchanan: Wow they really call you the Great Gatsby?
Gatsby: … Yup
I’m sticking to my guns.
I really should have washed my hands after I ate.
People text “happy new year” and go missing for the rest of the year!
just a good, friendly, light-hearted conversation that for some reason charmin initiated with me
It was the becestershire of times, it was the worcestershire of times.
Him: Hello, I’m Special Agent Johnson.
Me: Well, somebody has a high opinion of himself.
There’s a special hole in my backyard for people to hit me in the back of the ankles with a shopping cart.
I’ve never undergone actual physical torture but yesterday I was on a Teams call with someone who said “yep, yep” about two dozen times.
[David Attenborough watching me pour syrup on my waffles before I put them in the toaster] Turn the camera off this man needs help
If you’ve never baked pot brownies in an Easy Bake Oven… then you’ve never wrote an apology letter to your sister with an Etch A Sketch.
Them: What’s your word for the year?
Me: Snacks.
My son didn’t think it was funny when I told him go “go forth and multiply” before his math exam.
I’ve had to walk past this monstrosity every day for the last few weeks and it’s really taking a toll.
My girlfriend was devastated to find out that my mates call me ‘The Love Machine’ because I’m terrible at tennis.
[working at zoo]
“Are you the idiot who fed peanuts to the panda?! They don’t eat nuts!”
– They’re legumes
“They’re mammals”
– What?
“What?”
Want to know the secret to looking young? Pick up a bottle of sunblock, and put it on 20 years ago.
Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.
5yo: I love tv
Me: if you love it so much, why don—
5yo: I’m going to marry the tv
“Australia is the smallest planet”
– first day of school already paying off
Imagine being held hostage for an entire video game and when your rescuer finally gets to you they were like, “Sorry it took so long, I had to find a special hat and help some villagers collect blueberries.”
Met a man named Drew like 3 days ago. We exchanged numbers. This morning I woke up in a group chat, started by his alleged wife, with 8 other women. It’s been comedy and chaos ever since 😂.
Good is the enemy of great.
Sponge is the enemy of math.
Metaphysics is the enemy of Walmart.
Courage is taking a selfie at an angle below your chin.
ME: “My time machine works! I just killed Bobby Hitler!”
FRIEND: “You mean baby Hitler?”
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:”I’ll be right back.”
8yo Me: *sneaks candy*
14yo Me: *sneaks cigarettes*
18yo Me: *sneaks alcohol*
43yo Me: *sneaks candy*Being an adult is stupid.
if i ever go missing please don’t use that photo of me holding a sign that says “if i ever go missing don’t look for me.” thanks
Baby ducks are “ducklings”, baby pigs are “piglets”, and baby humans are “annoying.”
A curious tradition — to look at a newborn baby and say to yourself, “Because of your DNA, one day you will rule over me.”
If I ever go missing, just follow my kids. They can find me no matter where I try to hide!