Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Twister 2:

Climate change makes tornadoes evolve.

They work together.

We can’t beat them.

We team up instead

The twisters destroy ISIS.

[Picking up a prescription]

Pharmacist: Wait. You’re Rodney Lacroix?
Me: Um. Yes.
Pharmacist: I’ve heard you’re funny.
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me: Well, right now I feel like I’m dying so can I have my prescription?
Pharmacist: omg you’re hysterical

CEO: what’s the store layout

me: sick people will walk to the very back for prescriptions

CEO: ok

me: cigarettes will be right up front

CEO: first of all I love it

Grilled cheese is named after its creator, Grilliam Cheeseford Jr.

Everyone hated math in high school, but when y’all get screwed on your pay check.
BOOM, suddenly you know algebra and calculus

My husband claims I’m driving him to an early grave, which is clearly ridiculous because nobody has ever been early to anything I’ve driven them to.

You’ll be OK

I was thinking about homeschooling my son next year but he just went into great detail about how mosquitoes use our blood to make honey so I should probably let someone else help out

ok but what if they had media literacy
(this was funnier in my head)

How many Apple users does it take to change a lightbulb?

None. When the bulb goes, they just replace the house.

Jay Z and Beyonce had a 4 million dollar dinner with Obama…. Wtf did they eat? Fresh dinosaur?

“We’ve been blessed with a second son, another prince”
“I hope he doesn’t grow to resent his older brother, Mufasa, who one day will be king”
“Let’s call him Scar”

DIET JOURNAL
DAY 1: A little hungry. Stayed within my calories. I can do this.
DAY 4: A humpback whale responded to my stomach growls.

ME (a ghost): You know how Bill Nye used to say “don’t try this at home”? Well, I did, and he kicked in the door and shot me in the face.

You think people who drink the energy drinks would have enough energy to put the cans in the bin rather than on the ground.

I see dead people.

No wait, I take that back.

I see people I want dead.

Cop leans over body:
Looks like *removes shades* cement poisoning
Or a case *removes mustache* of gravity
Or *removes teeth* aaah gaah bwaa

*a very, very real phone conversation i heard my mother-in-law have*
yeah? what’s up? huh? what? he ran over a dog? huh? is he in the hospital? why’s he riding a motorcycle? yeah. no, we’re eating dinner. no, i didn’t know norman fell was in ocean’s 11

if you’re going to go around calling pets “fur babies” I’m going to call real kids “skin babies”

Burn microwave popcorn in the lunch room to establish dominance.

I just watched a YouTuber apology video where the lady played a ukulele and said “the only thing I ever groomed was my two Persian cats.”

Do you think if I slip this Dr. an extra $100, I’ll get the “good” prostate exam?

Tape a terrible drawing of a refrigerator onto your child.

All we do is support you, all you ever do is complain about us!

-if bras could talk

shakespeare: to sleep, perchance to dream

me: *lies wide awake in bed wondering what “perchance” means*

My mom [on the phone]: Hi I can’t talk long

Narrator: But she can. She CAN talk long

[job interview]

Interviewer: So what makes you think you’d be a good waiter here?

Octopus: I just really feel like I could bring a lot to the table.

Me: *clapping enthusiastically*

You: an actual strobe light would be more effective for the dance party, tho

I question the people that blow their nose in a tissue and then look to see what comes out.

Were they really expecting gold or something?

*Watching Friday the 13th VII*

GF: This is the 7TH TIME a bunch of kids were murdered at that camp?

Me: Yeah.

GF: You’d think someone would have put up a sign by now.