If bars don’t open soon, I’m gonna have to figure out other plans to cancel with my friends.
I like to think Jesus rose after, like, 20 minutes, but then had to spend 3 days trying to move the rock from the cave.
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7: I’m beating you!
7: I’m way ahead!
Me: I see that.
7: I’m gonna win!
My son on the carousel horse in front of me.
Got a $15000 parking fine!!..I didn’t see a sign saying you couldn’t park on pedestrians.
Sometimes I’ll start talking to someone on the train, then go “Oh, this is where I get off” then close my eyes & stick my hand in my pants.
My neighbour has diabetes and now she won’t make me cupcakes anymore, its like bad things always happen to me.
Accidentally used the elephant emoji so thanks, Apple, for the next five hours of fighting
*pulls up pants*
Me: It feels like I’ve got the world’s worst wedgie!
Proctologist: That’s normal.
P: Hey… Have you seen my glove?
5yo *oldest*: Dad, why do we have to eat our vegetables?
Me: You know what? Our first kid asked the same question
*conducting job interview* And what would you say your biggest weakness is? Other than that haircut.
Me: I know it hurts, but you’ll learn to love again.
Sheep: I don’t know. I can’t even look at ewe right now.