@AndrewNadeau0

I like to think Jesus rose after, like, 20 minutes, but then had to spend 3 days trying to move the rock from the cave.

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@_stylr

If bars don’t open soon, I’m gonna have to figure out other plans to cancel with my friends.

@charliedelta7

7: I’m beating you!

Me: Ok.

7: I’m way ahead!

Me: I see that.

7: I’m gonna win!

Me:….

My son on the carousel horse in front of me.

@BillPelicanBros

Got a $15000 parking fine!!..I didn’t see a sign saying you couldn’t park on pedestrians.

@MouthyMess

Sometimes I’ll start talking to someone on the train, then go “Oh, this is where I get off” then close my eyes & stick my hand in my pants.

@Jen_says_nah

My neighbour has diabetes and now she won’t make me cupcakes anymore, its like bad things always happen to me.

@briangaar

Accidentally used the elephant emoji so thanks, Apple, for the next five hours of fighting

@UncleDuke1969

*pulls up pants*

Me: It feels like I’ve got the world’s worst wedgie!
Proctologist: That’s normal.
M: …
P: Hey… Have you seen my glove?

@DadZZZasleep

5yo *oldest*: Dad, why do we have to eat our vegetables?

Me: You know what? Our first kid asked the same question

@msdanifernandez

*conducting job interview* And what would you say your biggest weakness is? Other than that haircut.

@PinkCamoTO

Me: I know it hurts, but you’ll learn to love again.

Sheep: I don’t know. I can’t even look at ewe right now.