I like to think Jesus rose after, like, 20 minutes, but then had to spend 3 days trying to move the rock from the cave.
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Watch The Walking Dead with someone who’s super into it so every time a zombie appears you can pull the old, “Wait, who’s this now?”
Can people I follow stop disagreeing with each other? I depend on you lot to tell me what to think.
*Infinite space outside*
A fly: I’m gonna nail this chick’s eardrum!
Sleepless in Seattle starring Tom Honks and Meg Ryan (1993)
It hasn’t rained in so long that the grass resembles shredded wheat. So maybe I should just add milk instead of water…
jeff bezos can’t become a trillionaire if he gets eaten by a whale
Survey: How would you rate the cleaning products you recently purchased from us?
Me: I had to clean.
0 out of 5 stars.
What my neighbors thought of me after they moved in:
1. She’s eating cake
2. She’s eating chips
3. She’s eating cake again
4. She’s dipping chips in the cake
Ruin your teenagers day by looking in their general direction.
Waiting for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count socks with sandals.
interviewer: what was your last job
me: health angel
interviewer: oh so you worked at like a spa
me: no thilly, I drove a motorthycle
1 rabbit can make 1,000+ babies in its life
DATE: how do you know that
*shouting over deafening hopping sounds from the attic* INTERNET
Bananas in Pajamas was so popular. I can’t figure out why my spinoff, Swiss Chards in Unitards, failed
her: wanna go upstairs
me: yes
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
Me: Let’s consult the Magic Eight-ball
Eight-ball: STEAL A CAR.
[work email]
Me: Can I meat the new guy?
Boss: Meet? Okay, sure…
Me: Great!*hides bag of steaks*
I don’t believe in gender equality because there are just some things I’m not meant to do. Like be the sane one in a relationship.
What I thought I’d want my kids to learn: kindness, compassion, empathy
What I actually want them to learn: to flush the toilet and turn off a goddamn light
Me: I only want two strips of bacon.
Buffet bacon: Have this clump of 87 pieces of bacon.
I’ll never buy an electric guitar. Only gas guitars for me thank you very much.
my parents got an amazon echo for christmas & all they do is shout at it & get disappointed by all it can’t do. i’ve been replaced by alexa & it’s great.
my professor scared me for a second
You are what you eat? I’m about to become sandals
Wife, lecturing son: You can’t just “wing it” your entire life
Me, later to my son when we’re alone: You actually can just wing it, you just can’t tell people that’s what you’re doing
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
asked my mom about this guy Ben in my hometown and she said “no one cares about that Ben anymore, there’s a hotter Ben now”
I let 8 stay up late last night which helped when i told him it was time for bed he just said ok and went right to sleep. haha i’m jk he still lost his shit.
Stay friends with gravity while you can, kids, because one day it will turn on you and make your face look like it’s eating itself.
My husband said he wants me to stop drinking and still be in a good mood. So I told him to stop putting gas in the car and still drive.