I like to think Jesus rose after, like, 20 minutes, but then had to spend 3 days trying to move the rock from the cave.
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All these late nights solving solved crimes on forensic files is aging me.
*recovering from a broken ankle*
My dogs: Let us protect you by making sure we are under every. single. step.
Like grandpa always said, ‘If you kids don’t stop retweeting yourself, you’ll go blind.’
Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower
been doing nothing but overeating and avoiding exercise since this quarantine started and for the last 10 years before that
Me: I really shouldn’t be eating 7-11 hot dogs every day
Doctor: okay that’s weirdly specific but yes, maybe try to get it down under 6
Don’t talk to me unless you are a ham sandwich.
Okay this nightmare isn’t going to realize itself
“Welcome to money management. Have you all paid your $200 entrance fee?”
“Yes”
“Excellent, never give money to strangers. Class dismissed”
Find a way to dress up as “accidentally liking someone’s Facebook picture from 2 years ago” and really scare people this Halloween.
Now this is how you LinkedIn
Me: I miss baseball
Umpire: Strike one!
Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom
That awkward moment when you try something on in a shop but you don’t know if you can get it off again.
Whenever someone doesn’t text me back, I just assume we’re in a fight that I wasn’t aware of.
“THE UNIVERSE IS TEACHING ME PATIENCE” I scream zenfully
Me: I made GORP for our hike
Her: peanut m&ms and miniature marshmallows
Me: yeah, in handy single servings
Her: they’re gallon ziplock bags
Got fired from the call center for changing all the ringtones to “Baby Shark”.
adulthood means having ice cream for dinner and regret for dessert
My 6yo just told me all about this new place he heard about and wants to visit this weekend, so I asked for more details, aaaand it’s a casino
Kid: Mom, the light’s on in my closet.
Me: That’s weird. The monster must be looking for something.
I do want to see supervillain origin stories as films. But not the tragic event that forever warped their minds.
I want to see them, like, a few days after they decided to become villains and start trying to source goons, try out costume themes, real organizational stuff.
Eaten so many blue cheese stuffed olives today that it feels like France and Greece are waging a war for land in my intestines.
Ain’t gonna lie. Growing up, I thought Bermuda triangle is gonna be a bigger problem than it turned out to be.
*Sees someone tying a yellow ribbon around a tree*
Me: Oh dang, Groot knows karate
was fired from my court stenographer job when the defendant was sentenced to 15-20 years and I remarked: “aww, big stretch!”
*in a job interview*
No no it’s not a teardrop tattoo it’s supposed to be sweat. It shows I’m a hard worker
*Remembering the time I took a picture of myself every day for a year without removing the lens cap*
*backing my car up in the mcdonald’s drivethrough so i can say one more thing to the clerk* and by the way i’m not stupid. i’m smart
Turns out if you don’t click “turn in” when you’re done with your assignment on google classroom, you won’t get credit for doing it.
– my 11yo, genuinely shocked at this discovery