I like to think my essence leaves my body at night, and walks the lonely streets trying to eat custard with chopsticks.
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Every Monday I say to myself, “Jim…you need to go on a diet and stop eating doughnuts.” Luckily, I am not Jim.
[walking into a gym]
me: i’m looking to do the least that burns the most calories
me: so where do you go to school
new babysitter: It’s private
me: oh *whispering* I won’t tell anyone
Our dog jumped on my phone while I was checking Outlook and deleted an entire folder of work emails, so I’ve hired her as my personal assistant
I went for a long walk yesterday and my pants are still tight today. This is not how exercise is supposed to work.
When I’m good I’m great. When I’m not good I’m the piano falling out of the window of people
I hate it when people go round quoting the bible. I haven’t even read it yet, but somehow folks think it’s cool to give key plot points away
BOSS: “Send that email to the client and copy me-”
Me:*Boss voice* “Send that email to the client and copy me”
An extra mozzarella stick could be the difference in a 3 star or a 5 star experience.
*me overestimating my server’s position on reviews
A hot guy at my job asked me if I had any plans and I told him 15 because I thought he said plants
If you’re wearing slippers in the car, the chances of your child needing you to run in somewhere increase by 500%.
Husband: you might want to start adding an occasional LOL
or I’m kidding
or smiley emoji
or I love you into your texts…so if anything ever happens to me it throws off the investigation.
My dog thinks her entire family was murdered by a hula hoop, there’s just no other explanation.
yo LA chill out with your restaurant names
NO SHIRT, NO SHOES, NO SERVICE
Waiter: ahem *points to sign*
Me: oh that’s fine, I’m not ordering anything
Note to self: just because it’s in the map app’s directions doesn’t mean the road is paved.
[Me being beaten to death w/ can of frozen veggies]
“Oh peas no!”
[WHAP]
“Why u bean like this?”
[SMACK]
“Don’t u carrot all?”
[CRACK]
Got a new end table for the living room and no one has noticed but try to get rid of a toy my kids haven’t played with in five years and everyone notices
*decorating the tree*
6yo: Dad, can I help?
Me: Of course! First we string the lights, then we show Mommy & she tells us what we did wrong.
when ppl hold the baby and the baby cries & parents say “oh he’s just tired,” we’re lying, the baby really does hate you
My daughter, who is 12 and can read: oh my, look at all the tiny apples
All the tiny apples:
Costumes are wasted on halloween. I wanna sit down for Christmas dinner dressed like a giant bug.
There is a school auction tonight, but I don’t know if I’m ready to buy a whole school
On this very day 6 years ago, I asked my best friend to marry me. My wife was furious. Gary was a little taken aback too.
Everything is made in China. Except babies. Babies are made in vaChina.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: I was going too fast?
Cop: Yes, you’ll get brain freeze
Me: [eats ice cream slower]
ISIS MEMBER: Andy is your western name. what would you like your new, terrorist name to be?
ME: Barry Bombs
Taught my kids to always let a strange dog smell their hand before petting them to see if it was friendly. Should have taught them to do the same with people.
[playing hide and seek]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS L-
me: [exploding out of closet] BABY DON’T HURT ME