I like to think my wife’s friends stare at me because I’m hot but it’s probably because they have never seen a potato salad sandwich before.
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Bake cookies and the house smells good for 20 minutes.
Bake fish and 4 months later the house still smells like an episode of Deadliest Catch.
What does a corpse and snow have in common? They are both cold and are hilarious to throw at unsuspecting children.
Husband: wanna have a quickie?
Me: As opposed to what?
There are innumerable mental health benefits of spending time in nature, but that doesn’t mean coming into the forest and screaming “fix my life” at the trees.
Kids today will tell you how they hate tomatoes while eating chips and salsa.
Husband: Come on baby, do that thing that I love.
Me: *stuffs an entire jelly doughnut into my mouth*
[Bruce Wayne enters Gotham Orphanage]
I’ll take your finest orphan.
“Sir, we can’t just give-”
Here’s $50mil.
“Do you like boy acrobats?”
Sugar is cheap. I want an avocado daddy.
Spanish for wife – “esposa”
Spanish for handcuffs – “esposas”
Well played, Spanish
A moment of silence for our dear friend, liquid water, who did not survive the 100° temperature… You will be mist…
Sleep is the body’s best safety mechanism. It keeps you from screwing things up for 8 hours.
My hot flashes are so bad, I’m not allowed to go anywhere near Greenland.
Me: “I can’t turn on the shower”
Plumber: “It’s seen you naked so often the excitement’s gone. Try dressing up”
*Hands over shower cap*
Why can’t my kids understand that I’m just not into parenting right now.
I never realized how short a month is until I started paying rent
Me: *is utterly starved for affection and understanding*
Universe: Best I can do is a tweet from a puppet.
*slaps the cup out of the barista’s hand*
“No. I want Asriel, the guy with the man-bun, to make my latte. He has a better energy”
Welcome to your 40s: nice olive oil collection.
Whether you’re a fan of Hallowe’en or not, you have to give it credit for being the last line of defence against Christmas advancing even earlier into the year, a ragtag gang of goths holding the line against a battalion of baubled barbarians
Any weekend is a Vampire Weekend if you can’t look at yourself in the mirror afterwards.
Me: I hate when corporate Twitter accounts pretend to be people
Amazon Prime: I was just saying this to my kids
gargoyle: I’m not feeling well, omg *blarfgh!!!
My kids are scream-fighting because one pretend-ate all of the toy food, in case you wanted to know why some parents drink.
As someone with extensive IT experience, I can almost guarantee the AT&T outage yesterday was over some certificate expiring somewhere and nobody knowing how to regenerate it because Carl got laid off seven years ago and the only machine with the keys decommissioned in 2019.
My computer crashed and I lost some work in progress but luckily the cloud saved those 57 shots my toddler took of his forehead with my iPad in 2014
what do tooth fairies do with the teeth they collect? what do they know that we don’t? are we getting ripped off
The fact that they call it the Food Pyramid and not Food Triangle implies it has at least two other sides. So maybe this much taffy is OK
I was walking around the house naked and one of our smoke detectors went off so now it’s my favorite smoke detector.
[wife putting groceries away]
“where’s the bread?”
i got mugged
“specifically for bread?”
[cuts to me feeding a duck i hide in the shed]
yes
Someone you know may commit a crime today. If carefully managed, you can add in some of your own stuff.