I like to think my wife’s friends stare at me because I’m hot but it’s probably because they have never seen a potato salad sandwich before.
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every time i take my cat for a walk on the beach i imagine how mind blowing it is for him to be in a giant litter box
DEATH: behold, the four horsemen! The apocalypse is nigh!
ME: You’re all centaurs?!!!
FAMINE: What did you expect?
ME: lol
WAR: STOP LAUGHING!! ALL SHALL PERISH!!
ME: you want a sugar cube?
FAMINE:… Yes
It’s weird that Usher doesn’t have ANY songs about showing people to their seats…
Sure, we’ve all been through hard times, but even when I waitressed part time during college and ate ramen noodles every night for dinner I still saved my money for important things like Charmin double ply mega rolls.
Turtleneck pro: if you wear one while you’re eating you can’t get crumbs in your bra.
Turtleneck con: see above.
Running is so dangerous. A few years ago I sprained my ankle really badly and was on couch rest for like three weeks. You know what’s never done that to me? Resting on a couch for three weeks.
Me: [sitting on a swing, eating goldfish crackers out of a plastic baggie at the park]
Him: How old is your child?
Me: Child?
People say “loose lips sink ships”. But history would confirm it’s definitely icebergs
GUY WITH TONS OF BLACKLIGHTS AROUND HIS APARTMENT: Hey come on in!
GUY WHO LIKES TO RUB CAT URINE ALL OVER HIMSELF: Ummm. Nah I’m good.
barber: your hair is so dry
pavlov: i forgot to condition it
Call centre operator: “Sorry for the delay, bear with me … ”
Me: “Put the bear on, he probably knows more.”
Lonely? Just glue a coffee cup to the roof of your car. Everyone will wave to you.
I’ve always been such a “waiting for the other shoe to drop” type of girl.
I’ve decided I’m now going to be the “throw the shoe at your head and run first” kind of girl.
Tractor: ‘Let’s get to work.’
Detractor: ‘Let’s not get carried away.’
“It’s terminal-”
GOD! HOW LONG DO I HAVE?
“Departure time is in three hours.”
THREE? WHAT DO I DO?
“This is an airport.”
SO WHAT? I’M DYING!
Dads are never closer to their pioneer heritage than when they are seeking out a spot for their family at the beach.
[at work]
CW: Hey, I found your Twi…
Me: *jumps out window*
CW: …Twinkies.
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
[as one million ants are carrying me out of my bed to toward their cavern to eat me alive] please let me feed my neopets first
[dentist]
receptionist: with copay that will be $15
me: here’s the teeth y’all pulled, just put it under a pillow and it should be taken care of
Remember the first day of school when you’d show up with your pencil case, your rucksack and your Flash Speed Mop?
Weighing myself:
“That can’t be right. Let’s do that again.”
“Okay, best of 3”
“Can we stop for a second? I forgot everyone’s names again.” – me, if I was a character on Game of Thrones
So my doctor said my alcohol use was depleting magnesium from my body and I should change my lifestyle, so I bought a magnesium supplement.
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: 24 glasses of milk
Cop: Milk? Why were you driving so erratically?
Me: I was hoping I’d get pulled over so I could brag
If both of my middle fingers are blown off in a fireworks accident I’ll never be able to drive again.
“I’m gonna look to my left and run as fast as I can.”
– Toddlers
[Ex-hot dog vendor, first day as a surgeon]
Me: Nurse, my good tongs, and 3 units of ketchup, STAT
Nurse: *just staring at my paper hat*
i hate when teachers put “?” on graded work, bro idk what’s going on either
Upset that roe vs wade has nothing to do with how you navigate a lake.