Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Trainer: What’s the most intense part of your work out?

Me: Getting into my sports bra.

When I was a kid I used to yell at my grandma for drinking and driving and she was like “it’s Diet Coke” and I was like “but the tv said!” So what I’m saying is, kids really don’t know shit

[My 8yo looking for something]

OMG WHERE IS IT IT’S GONE FOREVER WHAT DID YOU DO WITH IT I’LL NEVER FIND IT WHERE COULD IT BE MY LIFE IS RUINED WHYYYYYYY—oh, here it is.

Sometimes I get so wrapped up in my own problems that I forget there are people having real fights on the internet.

I often message people with the weird idea that they’ll message me back.

Yes

Dentist: when was the last time you flossed?

Me: look, I only need you so they can identify my body should shit go down

The best way to get your kid to play with 800 toys at once is to tell then you’re going to donate them to charity.

Fiction has to make sense.

I once had a customer complain that her steak “tasted like cow.” I was so confused that I said, “Well, I sure hope so” which caused her husband to burst out laughing. She quickly shot him the death stare and I often wonder where she hid his body.

I’m eating cheese paired with cheese crackers because self-care is dairy important to me

nfts were less about the money and more about the friends you scammed along the way.

“did I catch you at a bad time?”

– yeah, I’m awake and I’m sober

I called it a “housewarming party”. The District Attorney called it “aggravated arson”. Semantics.

On the 9th day of Christmas my true love sent to me 9 ladies dancing, 8 maids a-milking, 7 swans a-swimming, 6 geese a-laying, 5 GOLD RINGS, 4 calling birds, 3 French hens, 2 turtle doves & a partridge in a pear tree
Hope the dancing hasn’t made the ladies hungry; birds all eaten

Wife : A jogger was murdered in the park last night.

Me : Well that’s all the motivation I need. *Goes for a jog in the park*

Not now ex-boyfriend. Someone favorited 2 of my tweets. I’m a huge deal around there now & you lost your chance. Just kidding. What time?

[petting zoo]

ME: *still petting the penguin*

DANNY DEVITO: There’s other people in line, you know.

I keep sending TikTok clips to 18 and she keeps ignoring them. Girl do you know how many handstands you made me watch in the pool? You owe me.

You know it’s time to quit smoking when you laugh at a tweet and you sound like Muttley.

I understand how batteries feel cause I’m rarely ever included in things either.

If life gives you raisins, there’s not much you can do.

Why does toothpaste drop off your toothbrush so easily but then turn into a type of thermosetting polymer that’s impossible to wash away?

me: return of the mack.

cashier: receipt of the mack?

Be safe this weekend, otherwise your dumb friends will end up telling some local news reporter how you were always the “life of the party.”

In your 20’s: I’m going to install the best radio, loudest speakers, amplifier in my car, and rock out.

In your 50’s: Turn that music down, I can’t even hear myself think about what I want to eat.

“…until death do us part” okee sure, death of what tho?

Them: Describe your personality using one word.

Me: no

My husband says it’s not my chin hairs that embarrass him, it’s how I’m constantly trying to yank them out in public.

me: are you telling me how to raise my children?

necromancer: trying to, yeah