Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“does this spark joy?” but with phone contacts.

When I die and eventually go to Hell I’m going to flirt with the Devil like “So, did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?”

I can’t remember if I’ve got bacon in my fridge or not. I think I might have a touch of hamnesia.

very demi lovato saying their favorite dish is a mug because it can hold hot liquids

[first date at restaurant]

ME: so, do you like dogs?

HER: I’m more of a-

ME: CHECK PLEASE

*forces square peg into round hole

Round hole: wrong hole.

One of the great things about being a dad is how easy it is to launder my own desire for ice cream through my children

“I’ll never understand why people can’t sleep with a closet door open” I say while making sure my feet don’t hang over the side of the bed.

me at five am: should i sleep for two hours or stay up
me at now am: Did my coworker just say “email” or “bee jail”. what did the bee do

“ooOOOooo”
“oooOOoo”
“oooOOoh”
“OoOOooh”

–spirited debate

I’ve decided to donate my brain to science.

[years later, my brain is used to prop open the Science door]

-Conspiracy theorists: The moon landings were fake.

-Me: I know!!! The moon doesn’t exist.

Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family

This guy must really want to impress me with his endurance skills. Because when I asked if he wanted a ride, he said “No thanks I’ll walk”

A child will either wear a band-aid for 7 minutes or for two years.

[home depot guy going through my list] these are all the things from the game Mouse Trap

“Does my uniform make me look fat?” -Insecurity guard

[eating an entire extra large pizza to myself]

ME: *hears a knock on the door* THIS STALL IS TAKEN.

I hope Hell freezes over soon. A few women have promised me dates when it happens.

I’m gonna tell my kids these were the Avengers

I’m sorry I thought your dog’s name was Maverick and your kid’s name was Cooper

The most rewarding part of having a teenage daughter is having someone who looks exactly like you, acts just like you but who also finds everything about you absolutely repulsive

I decided to jog in place at a stoplight and got some really strange looks.

I should’ve just stayed in the car.

Ape together strong

Dear makers of Axe 3-in-1 shampoo, conditioner & body wash, I have no desire to buy your crap. I’m holding out until it’s also a car wax.

the CDC reading all the CDC tweets tomorrow

betcha they beat the robot dinosaurs by transforming into an asteroid.

Always a housemaid, never a house.

Being a parent isn’t just a job it’s a way of life. Like coal mining, or deep sea fishing, or ice road trucking….really any job that’s actively trying to kill you.