I like to think of myself as a guy who doesn’t scare too easily but I just beat the shit out of a motion activated air freshener.
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I was mildly embarrassed, that one time at the liquor store, when I sampled the aged scotch because the look on the guy’s face clearly indicated I should not have shot it back like I was at a frat party.
*feels butterflies in his stomach while going on the first date*
– guess I shouldn’t have run through the garden with my mouth open.
I hate when I think there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle.
Cashier: You just have to tap your credit card.
Me: *cautiously taps*
Cashier: Not against my forehead.
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
Thanksgiving implies that we spend 99.7% of the year ungrateful…
…speaking for my kids, this checks out.
[HR office]
Do you know why we called you in today?
To give me a pay rise?
No.
Because I googled ‘How to burn down office’ 600 times?
Yes.
i made a promise to myself that if i ever get an island the first thing that i will do is put some dinosaurs on it.
The worst place to be quote tweeted…Divorce Papers
After Samsung phones, now Samsung washing machines are exploding. Samsung is now the third biggest nuclear power after US and Russia.
[airport security]
wife: *fidgeting with wedding ring*
me: *emptying my cargo shorts pockets*
tsa agent:
tsa agent: why so many gameboys
*Christmas with The Schrödingers
Dr. Erwin Schrödinger: [shaking a wrapped box, excited] Is it a new cat?
*His family smiles nervously at each other
I don’t like swiss cheese because a block is like half air and I prefer cheese to oxygen
Trump assures Abe that he supports Japan 100%!
“I mean, I saw Godzilla like, 7 times!” says Trump.
[harry potter at an interview]
interviewer: it says here you found & destroyed seven horcuxes
harry: that’s correct, sir
interviewer: but no experience creating a powerpoint presentation, wow
When I was a kid I used to yell at my grandma for drinking and driving and she was like “it’s Diet Coke” and I was like “but the tv said!” So what I’m saying is, kids really don’t know shit
Toothpaste sure knows how to ruin whatever you’re drinking.
I eat boiled eggs, cabbage, and baked beans before the in-laws visit. They never stay long.
My diet was going really well until I woke up.
2020: Soooo, you’re feeling pretty good today, huh? Enjoying some down time?
Me: Yeeeaaahhh….why?
2020: How’s your back?
Me: Damn it!
2020: *teehee*
Happy: So there’s saliva on the foot area of Snow White’s glass coffin
*Dwarves all turn their heads*
Kinky: Oh, blame the new guy
I just want to be attractive enough to be considered for a part in an STD medication commercial.
I’m really happy being single
Unfortunately my husband doesn’t agree!
My girlfriend just sighed and rolled her eyes at the same time. This is exactly what WebMD said I would die from.
I pet my dog and she started to purr. Thought I should lay off the drugs until I realized the cat was sitting behind her.
Me: Will you marry me?
Her: No
Backing singers: She said no! she said no!
Me: Not now
[at a fancy restuarant]
WIFE: make sure u leave a good tip
ME: ok [writing on bill] “only evolve ur pokemon when uve activated a lucky egg”
And I was never asked to make anything for the school bake sale again
If you guys are missing any mugs, they’re all on my husband’s nightstand
You can extend the olive branch..
but you can’t beat them over the head with it