I like to think of myself as a guy who doesn’t scare too easily but I just beat the shit out of a motion activated air freshener.
You Might Also Like
The airport called it a “moving walkway” but I felt zero emotions whatsoever.
*Digging my own grave* sounds like a lot of exercise just to lie down.
Somewhere, some Nigerian lawyer is wondering why you’re not sending him the personal information that he needs to give you your inheritance
I’ve been on my best behavior ever since the words “you can be charged as an adult” applied to me
This looks like Wile E. Coyote trying to catch a hypochondriac Roadrunner:
I never eat spiders in my sleep because I hang a sign at the door to my mouth that says “I’m a vegetarian” and they know to leave
An erotic footjob under a restaurant table can go bad real fast
when your feet miss their mark…just ask my father-in-law.
Stranger: You look just like a friend of mine
Me: She sounds really pretty
Interviewer: where do ya see yourself in 5yrs
Me: going through a Denny’s trash bin
I: but you might get this job
M: haha that’s… irrelevant
My wife: hey I’m gonna go get a Brazilian
Me: you can just buy them?
Pro tip: Do your makeup before you start drinking.
Parenting goals before having kids: make tons of blanket forts, never lose your temper, appreciate every minute.
After: sit down.
[at restaurant]
Me: “I’m so hungry I could eat a horse”Wife: “I’m the same”
Horse family at next table: *just sitting very still*
*at a pizza buffet in the Midwest*
Me: excuse me, can you please make a vegetarian pizza?
Him: Sure! What kind of meat do you want on that?
Going forward I’m only saying I love you to cheeseburgers.
Gravestone inscription “Hey guys, I’m going to be taking a little break from social media”
Does anyone remember the song by Sade about the guy who operated the smoothie machine?
Me: [auditioning for the new Thor movie] Mjolnir, mjolfar, wherever you mjolare
I believe that mjolheart does go onMarvel Exec: Get out.
I ate a shepherd’s pie for lunch. He was pretty upset about it.
I hope your spoon slides into your soup
If a stranger starts talking to me in an elevator I say “I don’t want to talk in case we get stuck and I have to eat you” that usually shuts them up.
May I get your name? Yes, its “I’m The Only Person Here Waiting For Coffee.”
I’m so good at missing early morning meetings, I can do it with my eyes closed
At my age I don’t need a Halloween costume to be scary, I just show up.
Sony has announced MORBIUS will be released once a month until their demands are met.
son: will you come do flips with me on the trampoline?
me: you know I make a sound when I get off the couch, right?
My kid: mumma where are you going?
Me: I’m going to meet my really old friends
My kid: you mean friends your age?
Me: ‘really old’ meaning from long ago
My kid: so same
So disappointed. Haven’t sold a single one of my “We Welcome Solicitors” signs on Etsy.