I like to think of myself as an onion. Peel back the many layers and deep down inside you’ll find a smaller, more anxious onion.
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They say you will eat around 23 spiders in your life, but really you can eat as many as you want. Treat yourself, you deserve it.
[3am]
me: *sleeping*
brain: omg you’re late for work!
me: oh shit *jumps out of bed*
brain: lmao you’re so gullible
What is the HOA going to do about the noisy kids who keep coming in my house and demanding dinner and calling me mom
😜😜 Happy Saturday folks ☕️☕️
me: *getting murdered*
wait.. did you wash your hands?
Cashier: Such a GREAT day…how’s your weekend?
Me: *slides tampons across counter*
Cashier: Nevermind…
Laughing at your mistakes could lengthen your life. Laughing at your spouse’s mistakes WILL shorten it…
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
I always wanted to run a pharmacy and put “Seriously, TMI” on all the receipts.
16: I hate old people.
Me: That’s where you and I are different.
16: You like old people?!
Me: No, I hate everybody.
Toto: I blessed Lorraine down in Africa
Adele: I set fire to Lorraine
Johnny Nash: I can see clearly now, Lorraine is gone
Lorraine: Stop it
Me: Why does my phone keep changing campus to Camus?
Phone: There is no higher purpose in life.
Me: You could at least stop misspelling words.
P: *long drag on cigarette* There is no meaning. Duck yoor speeling.
Me: Is that a beret?
P: Oui.
Be careful insulting me. Two and a half weeks later I will come back with a burn that will leave you REELING
“holy crap….um guys?!” – the first caterpillar to wake up out of a cocoon
I’ve reached the age where if someone rings my bell after 9pm I either left my car door open or I’m about to be murdered
Ten out of one women is a Russian Nesting Doll
Pro tip:
Win every food fight by throwing heavy, dense frozen items.
Life with teenagers is basically them sniffing out snacks from a mile away yet missing the odour lingering in their bedroom
Next on CNN, 600 hours of guessing what happened to a plane.
One advantage of adulthood is how easy it is to force my way to the front of the line at the ice cream truck.
My kid was asked to write about a favorite family vacation at school and she decided to write about the time she watched her favorite youtube family go to Hawaii.
Pretty certain that wife and I would win the gold in the Olympic event of rage loading the dishwasher
*dipping a pine cone in my coffee* Gosh I just love fall
I don’t think anyone anticipated this stage of corporate dystopia
[Boss hands me 12 pages of complaints about my smart-ass remarks]
Me: so I guess the whole “we’re going paperless” rules dont apply to you?
[wife gets in the car after talking with the priest]
“What did the priest have to say?”
“He said you have to stop rapping over the choir.”
“Want a treat?”
“Is it medicine?”
“It’s peanut butter.”
“Is it medicine?”
“You love peanut butter!”
“ANSWER THE QUESTION, DOUG.”
Coworker: Did you know a blue whale’s arteries are big enough for a person to swim through?
Me: DID YOU KNOW THE KUERIG DOESN’T JUST MAGICALLY REFILL ITSELF, DAN?