I like to think of myself as an onion. Peel back the many layers and deep down inside you’ll find a smaller, more anxious onion.
You Might Also Like
When do kids stop eating things they find on the floor? According to my husband it’s not 38.
Old people understand Roman numerals. I for one
If the emoji I wanna text is not in the “recently used,” you may have to wait 3 days till I find it.
[date]
Clark Kent: I propose a toast
*they take their glasses off the table*
Lois Lane: omg it’s Supertable!
Got a piece of mail today addressed to “Epic” instead of “Eric” and finally somebody truly gets me.
Lion: *eating me*
Me: *twirling hair* so, like, what are we?
dropping acid is irresponsible like damn bro don’t be so clumsy
You can buy a 48-pack of referee whistles on Amazon for $8. Give them to the kids of people you hate.
If your cat brings home a dead bird and presents it to you, don’t be rude. Take a little bite.
It’s a bird.
It’s a plane.
No its…“Steve, you’re fired. Air traffic control just isn’t for you.”
me: are you ready for halloween?
friend: yes!
me: omg your haunted ghost monkey is so realistic
friend: that’s my newborn baby *bursts into tears*
Me: that curry was delicious. What was in it?
Hannibal Lecter: it’s a family recipe.
Me: Can I get a spoon to finish off the sauce?
Hannibal: Just mop it up with your nan.
Smooth, elegant, complex and full-bodied. But enough about me, this wine is fantastic.
[Michael Bay directing]
“WE NEED A HOTTER CHICK”
Teacher: This is your son’s 3rd grade play
“Oh right. I forgot. WE NEED BIGGER EXPLOSIONS”
GOLFER: what r u thinkin
ME (caddying): honestly sometimes i wake up & am mad that im not dead
GOLFER: jesus. i meant what club should i use
I just yanked a bag of Doritos away from my daughters and yelled “we’re about to eat dinner!” Then I finished the bag off by myself in the pantry.
A protected acct with 0 followers just followed me. Mom, is that you?
Why do football players only dance when good shit happens? Just once I wanna see a QB throw an interception & do a sad, interpretive dance.
[unleashes dog at dog park]
me: don’t embarrass me now
dog: i won’t*sees pretty girl*
me: hi, i’m–
dog: he drinks wine through a straw
Boss: Our toilet is fixed.
M: I can stop pooping at ur house.
B: You’re using the bathroom at my house?
M: There’s a bathroom at ur house?
My son says I only had kids so I could make them do chores. Like yes, I made a bunch of messy, whiny poop machines so they could cry while doing a crap job of cleaning that I just have to redo later.
ㅤ THE CORONAVIRUS
PROS: CONS:
-Alone time – Might die
-Cool facemasks
-Can horde toilet
paper without
seeming weird
-Might die
Does Rapunzel use the shampoo “Head & Shoulders, knees & Toes.”
My left earbud kept shocking me during my last zoom meeting. Can wifi be haunted
Single Me- waxes routinely
Married Me- twirls my mustache aggressively when my husband makes me angry
Management discussing if there are beneficial ways to use Artificial Intelligence in the library’s operations. I suggested we try experimenting with the real stuff first.
I hope this email finds you in a well
I’m being forced to attend a family dinner tonight at a priest’s house…
There’s no such thing as a surprise exorcism, right?
*flagging down passing pizza delivery vehicle*
I’LL PAY YOU TWICE WHAT THEY WERE GOING TO PAY YOU
LITTLE MERMAID 2016:
SEA WITCH URSULA: Your voice is mine mwaahahaha!!!
ARIEL: *flicks eyes up; keeps texting*