Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come these firefighters are rescuing me from the top of this tree?

[in conference room]

Coworker: What time is it?

Me: Time to get a watch, Carl *moonwalks out of room*

My husband keeps texting me he loves me and that i’m hot, what a weirdo like calm down pal, we’re married

What I said: it’s bedtime

What my kid heard: put on a Batman mask and check the hallways for crime

BARBER: So what do you do?
ME: I’m a writer, and you?
BARBER:
ME:
BARBER: I’m a barb—
ME: Barber, right, yes.

Victor Frankenstein being only 23 years old when he made the monster is crazy to me, he should have been at the club.

I hope my family appreciates the irony when I choke to death on one of these enormous daily multi-vitamins.

It’s so cold out today in Wisconsin I just saw a snowman kill another snowman and crawl inside his body cavity

9: Don’t break anyone’s heart. But they do have 209 bones.

Me: You make me so proud.

Before marrying him please check the size of his head, things are not funny in the labor room😏

ROBIN: How come you wear dark colors but make me wear a bright yellow cape?

BATMAN: [under his breath] It’s called a bullet magnet.

ROBIN: What?

BATMAN: What?

GOD: *flipping a coin* Heads! That means it’s the murder hornets.

ANGEL: *sighs* Fine

GOD: Don’t worry, I’ll release the torture squirrels next month

Wife: I didn’t buy the shirt because it was too crepey
Me: Creepy?
W: Crepey
M: Crappy?
W: Crepey!
M: Oh, okay…
W: You have no idea, do you?

ME: *reading a tweet* What does fr mean?

WIFE: For real

ME: Yes Sharon. I wouldn’t ask if I didn’t want to know.

Don’t beat an alive horse either.

As soon as they heard the flush, my phone interview took a drastic turn.

Hot single narcissists in your area want to be rude to you and then pretend nothing happened.

911 what’s your emergency?

I FARTED ON THE FIRST DATE.

Ma’am we don’t–

IT SOUNDED LIKE A BALLOON ANIMAL ASKING A QUESTION

My sister in law got my daughter a doll that sings and blows bubbles and I can’t wait for revenge. I mean my niece’s birthday.

I feel a little cheated when someone’s bio is in English but all their tweets are written in gobblety gobblety.

No, officer, I haven’t been drinking; my toddler just needed to hand me everything from the back seat.

One cool thing about being 33 is that people who are 50 think you might as well be 22 and people who are 22 think you might as well be 50

If you’re using YOLO to justify doing something stupid, remember you only DIE once too.

Inspirational tweet.

Me: I’m copying & pasting some text & clicking “keep formatting.” no need to change the case

Word: sweet, I’ll change the font

Me: no no keep the font

Word: ok I’ll just change the size

Me: please keep the size the same

Word: u want a different colour u cheeky lil shit lol

I’ve made it to 10am without eating my lunch what more do you want from me

[clown cleaning shower]

MRS CLOWN: Don’t forget to remove the hair from the drain.

[clown just keeps pulling long multi-coloured hair out]

Excuse me waiter, but there’s an F-35 in my soup

Boss: Did you get my email?

Me: Yes. It had italics, all-caps, and highlighting and I had no idea how to prioritize that information.